First day of clinicals, having a hard time emotionally =(

[fresitachulita]

I've never worked in a healthcare setting before...I had a whole different career before I decided to pursue nursing, which was mostly because I've always admired the profession, have family members who are nurses and who inspired me with their dedication, and also because I've always wanted to be in a position to help people.

But truth be told, I've always had a cushy desk job...I've been pretty shielded from life's cold realities...and I'm finding this day to be very a difficult one for me, filled with indifference about my choices, sadness, confusion...I could go on.

I can't talk to anyone else about it. My husband has sacrificed so much so that I could be in school, I took a year to complete all my prerequisites, I got lucky and got into the first LPN program I applied for and this is my first quarter. Although I'm doing wonderfully academically in my program so far (its only been 6 weeks though) I feel like I'd be letting everyone down if I decided that this isn't for me. I feel like I'd be an embarrassment, and a failure...

Today, we shadowed CNA's at a nursing home. I didn't assist with anything aside from vitals...I just observed. We were on the side of the unit where they had their permanent residents, and it was just very hard for me to see how angry, sad, confused and embarrassed they all were...as the CNA changed their attends moved them to their chairs. They all screamed and squirmed and tried to cover themselves while she changed them...and my heart just broke to pieces seeing these people who are so incapacitated, some dying, some with mounting agitation.

I don't feel like I learned anything today aside from what the environment is like in a nursing home, the basic tasks of a CNA, which in this case all I saw her do was change some attends, use a hoyer to move a screaming man to his chair, she made sure her closet was stocked with linens and she made her rounds, showed me a little bit of how she charts vitals. I didn't get to shadow any nurses today...I did observe some of the nurses while they spent most of their time in the hallways at the med cart...and at the nurses station charting...there were mostly CNA's around showing us things.

I prayed so hard before I went int today, because I've had some doubts about weather I can do this for a while...I prayed so hard that somehow I would love being there, that I would handle it all very well...that I would have the strength to keep going.

Now I just feel scared...and sad, and confused. I don't remember feeling like I wanted to be there while I was there. I don't feel like I'm dying to go back right now...though I'm less scared than I was before I got up this morning.

Another student said she felt extremely emotional...and she even teared up in post conference...my instructor said it's normal and that we will get used to it...but I don't know.

I guess I just need to get all this off my chest. I pray I can do this...but I'm scared to death.

[fresitachulita]

Thank you all, I feel so much better this week. I just had my second clinical today, and I had to do a heat to toe assessment on a patient but they went easy on us and assigned us each a very independent and mobile patient.

I wanted to cry for the first 45 minutes because I couldn't find her, her CNA, or her nurse, all of which I was supposed to touch base with, but slowly I found them all...I did my assessment, she was shy and closed off at first but then warmed up to me and it was really enjoyable talking to her about the election and stuff. I was also supposed to gather info from her chart for a care plan assignment due next week and I was expected to help on the floor and answer call lights and stuff...but by the time I found my patient, got the assessment done and figured out where the CNA's were hoarding the thermometers and the only pulse ox machine on the floor, I had less than an hour to gather what I needed from the chart. I got what I needed thanks to an RN who really wanted to let me do just about everything, including pass meds even though I knew I'd get into trouble if I followed his lead because we aren't supposed to do anything we haven't been trained on yet...but he helped me get all the info I needed together really fast. So I really had no time to assist on the floor. I asked my LPN and CNA if they needed anything...but they said no, another nurse I passed by asked if I would take a bp for her so I did, I also did one chem stick and observed several others, easy....and an RN invited me to help him get some insulin ready for two patients...but that's all I did today.

It goes by so fast...and I still fee like I didn't do things I should be comfortable doing by now. I haven't changed any attends...and I'm terrified to because I've never even changed a child! But I just want to get it over with because I know it won't be a big deal once I do. I'm also scared of helping patients into bed or their chairs..I'm afraid I'll hurt someone....

But so far today, aside from the anxiety of feeling like I coldn't do anything I was supposed to do for the first 45 minutes...I had a pretty good day. Yes, there was sad confused people, screaming and making me feel a little sad, but I'd say it was exponentially better than last week.

Oh and yeah, I've been told LPN's often have to start in nursing homes...I do have some cousins who got hired at major clinics or hospitals straight out..so we will see...

[ashleymr1213]

I just finished up my first semester of a RN program where we were at a nursing home and I felt the same way after my first day of clinicals. I wouldn't say it gets easier, but it sort of does. Also, you have to remember that you won't be in a nursing home the entire time, you will go to other departments and locations so maybe this isn't your fit, but somewhere else might be. If this is truly what you want and have wanted and have worked so hard to get to then keep going, you will find your nitch, somewhere where you are comfortable and absolutely love!

[mind_body_soul RN]

Sounds like my first 8 weeks of clinical. You do get used to it, as hard as it is to believe. I wanted to quit so many times in the beginning. In fact, I still do occasionally. And then I always get that "life-changing" patient or experience that reminds me why I decided to go to nursing school in the first place. We had to give "total care" to our two assigned residents, meaning we were both the nurse and the CNA. We also had to assist our classmates as needed with things such as transfers, baths, etc. I cried on the drive home most days. I cried at home. One day I cried in post-conference, as much as tried to hold it in. It just means you are human, and you wouldn't make a good nurse if you did not care on some level. HOWEVER, this is the time to develop your thick skin. You have to learn to leave your emotions concerning work (clinical) at the facility and not take them home with you. Easier said than done when you have to work on paperwork and careplans at home after clinical. But still. You will see things EVERY DAY as a nurse that will shake you to your core, or at least make you shake your head in disbelief. The more you let stuff eat away at your soul, the quicker you burn out. As the nurse/CNA of two residents, I was able to provide them with excellent care on the days I was there. They had company and someone to listen to them, and they were always clean, dry, and comfortable. I had a resident who employees wrote off as "abusive and combative" who was really just fearful and confused. She hugged me and told me I was sweet on the last day I had her as a resident. I was able to sleep at night knowing that I had done right by my residents and that I had taken care of them to the best of my ability while I was there. That is all you can do.

[robyneconn]

Oh the nursing home experience... I've wanted to be a nurse since I was a little girl... I went to college got my bachelors degree in biology then went to nursing school; I'm in my 3rd semester of 4. My first semester our clinicals were two nights a week at a local nursing home. I had never been to a nursing home and I was 24 at the time. I remember my first day and I will never forget it. I saw all those people, they were old and sad looking, and dirty, and a mess, and frankly looked like "death". I couldn't bear to watch. We did the same thing in terms of the first day assignment, we followed a CNA around. The CNAs really make all the difference in the nursing homes, their job is soooo important! That night I went home and sat on my couch alone and cried for about 3 hours. I had no idea what had just happened. Th next night I had to go back to the nursing home... same feelings, went home and cried. It got a little easier as the weeks went on. By the end I realized I have the power to changes these peoples day's... rather than feeling sorry for them I should help them the best I can! The nurses pretty much just pass meds... every time I asked a nurse for help she said "I'll call a CNA"... it was rather disappointing they aren't more active nurses, but the CNAs were great. THe nursing home is just one of many fields of nursing/cna/lpn/lvn practice. I know it's not for me. Try to stick it out and wait for your acute care rotation at a hospital... it'll be more what you're thinking "nursing" is. I told one of my teachers I was thinking about dropping because it wasn't what I expected and she said just wait it out, and I did, and I"m SOOOOOO glad I love nursing and I'd never change it for the world. Hang tough, you need to talk about it with classmates and instructors because you are not the only one feeling this way. And if you decided LPN/LVN/Nursing is not for you, do not feel like a failure, because you will be doing a big disservice to yourself and others if you go to a job you hate every day. It is not for everyone and you never know until you try. We've had many people quit our program because it just wasn't for them, and that's totally okay, do not be ashamed!! Stay strong you can do it... remember all the reasons you admired your friends and know you can make a difference in people lives every day and that's the most valuable thing you will ever do! :)

[FillRN]

The thing to remember most is that you are helping these people make the most out of the time they have left. Yes they are incontient and embarrassed at this. Focus on what you are doing to help them. It is sad that the human condition comes to this, but that is a part of nursing. Nursing is a second career for me as well and was a bit of a shock. Many times I thought I just couldn't do it. I made it through and so will you!!! Good luck and keep on.