I had my first code last night.. It was terrible. The woman was 94 years old, had pneumonia and C-Diff. 2 weeks ago she was walking, talking, and in amazing shape for a 94 year old. I was so shocked that she coded. I feel like my facility killed her. Her daughter approached me and expressed her concern for her mother saying she didn't understand how her mom could get so sick so quickly. It was shift change and I hadn't seen this woman in 2 days so I went to check her out. When I got to the room, she was in bed with her mouth open looking at the ceiling and my heart dropped. I went up to her, called her name, felt her radial pulse (still in disbelief), found nothing, felt her carotid, nothing.. Called the code. I work in a nursing home so I wasn't expecting a team to relieve me. I broke this woman's ribs. I know that's supposed to happen, but it happened so easily. With little to no effort I crunched a woman's bones like twigs. The sensation under my hands and that sound was horrifying. And she cried/moaned with every compression.. Is that normal?Throughout the code, I freaked. I doubted my every move. I still feel like I didn't do things right. I feel like a failure for not saving this woman. I am so sad for her and her family. I've spoken with my co-workers and they're all supportive, saying I did everything right and I did everything I could do for her. I honestly re-evaluated my career choice during this episode. It was crazy and traumatic.. I didn't cry, but I was on the verge of crying for 2 hours afterward. I was shaken to the core. I guess I just wanted to let it out.