Fired/Devastated Part 2

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I posted about being fired at the end of my orientation. I have a new resume and new job search. I also have three interviews this week, none for acute hospital care, but I am more open to these than before.

However, the emotional anguish has been long lasting. I still can't talk about it w/o tearing up. To compound this, I ran out of my antidepressant at the same time as the firing and can't get a refill until nearly three weeks later (The reason is complicated.)

My sleep has been severely affected. One night I had a severe anxiety attack, and the only thing keeping me from going to the ED was the fear that I would be hospitalized and it would kill my chances to be hired in that hospital system.

Despite my fears, my husband has actually not been bad--not actively supportive--but not abusive, but somewhat passive aggressive--ie, doing laundry, but leaving most of mine undone and not telling me.

The main reason I'm writing is that any of the healing I was doing was ripped open when I received a copy of the "Disciplinary" notice I received and signed the day I was fired.

On that day, I was so overwhelmed, I could hardly read it, and could not bring myself to make a comment. So, when I got it in the mail--a full 2 weeks later--I really read it and got very angry. They wrote that despite "counseling" and 5 weeks' extension on my orientation, I did not improve my performance. This is so untrue!

Basically,when my initial orientation was up and would be extended and was vaguely told there were "concerns." The nurse educator said, "and these have been discussed with you." Ah, no they hadn't--this was the first time I heard this.

We discussed that it probably had to do with organization and time management. We did come up with a remedy, which I followed up on.

I did much better with time management over the next few weeks and this was noted by my preceptors. After that, when I was told they were extending my orientation, NEVER were any reasons or "concerns" cited, only assuring looks and "we want you to succeed." When I asked about losing my job I was assured that I was far from that bar.

Even when I had the final two week extension, I was told not to be concerned, that they just wanted to make sure I succeeded.

Did I make mistakes and need improvement--sure--but looking back, I feel they could have done more to specify what "concerns" were. I feel that they should have told me if I don't do XYZ by this date, yes, I will be let go--perhaps in the form of a meeting with the nurse manager, educator, and preceptors. Maybe something written--yes, it would have upset me--but not nearly as much as being fired.

Did I just hear what I wanted? Maybe, but I am not an idiot. I am still seeking a counselor--which I think will be helpful in many ways, including how I present myself and/or are perceived by others--which I think could have contributed to my dismissal.