I graduated back in 2021 December of last year and didn't get to practice my license after passing the NCLEX until July 2022 because of family travel. I applied for the level 2 trauma center (soon to be 1) in the ICU and have had a blast working there and learning a lot. For the past 3 months, they put me on the morning shift first to get the hang of things and I struggled at first because I was still learning the ropes until I got comfortable talking to the doctors and the patients. However, I was supposed to meet with my clinical supervisor with my preceptor to check on my progress and what to improve on etc. every 2 weeks except they never met up with me at all to do that.
There became an issue where I had to be with another preceptor midway because the preceptor I was with initially wasn't the right one for me to precept with so they switched me around October. The problem was that they did it too late because it was brought to their attention that I wasn't receiving the best learning experience and felt that I was behind on where I should be even though I was barely one month in at the time. They basically waited 2 months after to switch me with another preceptor who I was only with for 4 weeks (They already met up with me to discuss why and apologized for the late switch up and it was sudden because I already got comfortable with my first preceptor). The second preceptor I would say went pretty well even though I still have a lot to learn because I know each preceptor teaches differently so I had to accommodate to what they taught me and apply it. I have mostly been doing all the charting, giving report, talking to patients and all that on my own at that point, but also of course, still asking my preceptor questions regarding care, medications, how to do certain skills etc. and they would be with me to check on and help what I needed to do just in case in the room. I was even getting the hang of it too so I felt I was more or less ready for night shift. Also, keep in mind, we still never met up with our supervisor to discuss my progress.
Finally, I get switched to nights which I originally applied for, and gave me another preceptor to follow, so cut to November of this week and I have about 2-3 weeks left of orientation, then all of a sudden my preceptor says I don't have what it takes to be ready in the ICU. Not gonna lie that it hurt and discouraged me. My first week, this week, being oriented into nights left a bad impression on my preceptor because I got very sick both vented young trauma patients that requires a lot of handling and constant monitoring which I didn't really get to experience before because most of the patients I've had where either very sick but manageable and the other that's sick but stable critical. I didn't even get to finish charting until 8 in the morning which never happened to me before because I used to leave much earlier than that. My night preceptor is very nit picky on what I have to do, even going over my charting and basically what I was taught before was completely different with them, and expects me to already have what it takes to be a nurse with more knowledge and critical thinking in the field. Of course, I am still learning how to critical think and I know it's going to take me awhile but they told me that critical thinking should already be learned by 2-3 weeks into orientation which I don't understand because I'm still a new grad in the ICU. They wanted me to already know and keep in mind how to prioritize and I was basically left scrambling because sometimes they will tell me to do something but then an unexpected event will happen to the other patient so I can't really do what they expect me to do most of the time. They gave me more negative feedback than supportive and encouraging ones because they were very straightforward with me and they're questioning whether I felt I was ready to be on my own. I told them I wasn't of course because you'll really never feel ready but they wanted me to be a safe nurse and from what I've shown so far with my two days with them wasn't good enough. Plus, both patients had very extensive history and I couldn't even check notes of that on my computer because I was busy to the point where I didn't even get any break on my part to give a good report so they've been doing it for me instead. We were supposed to go over it on my first day, but we never got the chance to because we were too busy taking care of the patients. The only time I felt they complimented me was that I was doing a little better than the first day.
Honestly, I'm trying hard not to cry but it's no use because I feel like I'm going backwards again. I have been really trying my best for the past 2 days but I feel like I'm intimidated with my night preceptor because their expectations for me were pretty high up so I've been trying to meet their criteria of what I should be doing but it just doesn't seem to satisfy them. I have always felt like ICU has been my calling since the start because I've been so into it since the first day and I've learned so much, but I'm so discouraged because of what happened and I don't know what to do anymore. I know for sure that we'll be having a meeting before I'm going to be on my own and I'm scared whether they'll think I'm not good enough in their unit and send me somewhere else and knowing who's going to discuss that with us, especially when I was switched mid-way, my chances of staying are low, either that or I get an extended orientation.
I'm really sorry this is a long vent but I've been so disappointed in myself, feeling that I wasn't good enough, and I have work tonight with the same patients and I need at least an encouragement, advice, or something to get me through the day. Thank you if you have reached this far.
