feeling numb and not sure what's the next step

[Dean7]

Hello all,

First of all I would like to say thank you for reading this post. I've been a new nurse for about a year and a few months now. I work on a Med/Surg floor. I've been working at a city hospital, the pay on average is about 10 grand less than all the other hospitals in the area. It was ok in the beginning, i've gotten my experience, but I can say that the orientation program wasn't very structured, it was just like getting thrown in and then later people asking "you don't know this?" when you want to answer "well, my orienting wasn't organized, so I learned things in an unorganized, scattered way." Anyways, i've had some issues with one of the personalities at work I clash with, another nurse who can be rude and in my opinion she is bitter. I have tried to schedule myself to work on days she isn't working, but there are always several days out of the month I have to work with her. It gets to me because she is a toxic personality, and there have been other nurses who hold the same feelings. So, she is one component of what makes it difficult working at this facility.

The other thing is some of the patients at this place can be plain nasty and abusive. We have one patient who is very abusive. Management seems to cater to her, and not tell her that respectful behavior must be maintained by both sides, by the patient, and by the nurses. She is manipulative, nasty, rude. She has had psych consults but refuses to take psych meds. Coming home from this, I feel is not worth the money. I am left always angry and upset. She upsets all the other staff as well. She doesn't bring in extra money to the facility, she is not a special "VIP," she's just a rude patient and I don't know why none of management has stepped in and told her she must be respectful too. Not to be foul, but the situation reminds me of a cheap prostitute who will do anything for a dollar because she is desperate for the dollar and doesn't have any self respect. The staff is suffering because of this patient, and it's such patients and how it's dealt with that makes me want to leave the hospital setting and either work with children or babies because I feel they are more innocent and adult humans, in my opinion, unfortunately can be the nastiest living things on earth.

I feel like my bitterness at work is rubbing off on my personal life. I have been feeling so numb this past week. I applied for an internal transfer at my work, and they didn't transfer me, perhaps because there have been many people who left the job or retired, and it would be too disruptive to have me go work elsewhere, as it creates new issues of having to hire a replacement to fill in the gap. I feel angry at this, and angry that I still have to earn by BSN (I had to get my nursing degree the affordable route, 2 year route, as nobody was supporting me and I couldn't afford anything else) to get past some of the HR online application filters that require BSN's. I have been angry at home, and I feel like a zombie and am just not being nice to my fiancee. And he says he is not so sure about things because I have so much anger in me that just ends up exploding. I think a lot of this anger isn't related to the relationship, but related to work stress, and I am taking it out on him. This worries me. I was never like this before. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and just want to quit and work at a doc's office or work agency for shorter stints and take off whatever time in between for my own time.

I'm not sure what the next step is.Apply to work in an agency just to get fresh air and have a different environment to work in, instead of feeling stagnant and stuck at the same hospital. Keep applying to other hospitals? This is hard because i'm working full time and going to school full time, so I have barely any time for sleep, and even less time to fill out for applications. Should I look into maybe pediatrics or something where I am less likely to encounter nasty grown adults? I do not want to spend the rest of my years straining my back and getting abused by others. I have more self respect than that. The next thing is I'm going to need to spend money on a weekly psychiatrist session and money on psych pills. So, staying in an unhappy work situation is expensive long-term. Should I try looking for work in a suburban hospital? I also feel sick of this city (NYC). It's overpriced and full of angry people. I've lived here for a decade and while there are great things about it, I feel that it is not a good place for a high quality of life, and i've traveled all over and lived in other places so I do have a valid place of comparision.

Any words of wisdom or just support or hugs? I really do feel like I should see a therapist because this stress is really getting to me and I have never felt so numb and alternately so angry before. I can't put up with the abuse and some nasty coworkers with bad manners. I had another career before and people weren't unprofessional or had so many nasties like this. Thank you for listening. It helps to just write it out and also read other people's stories on this forum of their struggles. Thanks!

[loriangel14, RN]

Why not just look for another job?

I work with a toxic person as well but I have leaned to just ignore her.

Hugs. Try to find something to do after hours that brings you joy.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

I think it would be beneficial to speak to a licensed professional about your feelings of numbness, as well as help you with working with handling situations and people that are less ideal. As a nurse who was a pediatric nurse for most of my career, they are hair as many rude and toxic parents, IMHO; it can be very daunting and daring to deal with parent who expose, exploit and abuse their kids; it is no different; it takes a MUCH thinker skin than adults and older adults, IMHO.

As far as dealing with personalities and patients with mental health issues; understand that mental health issues do not leave when pts are in the hospital, as well as you may have peers on your team that have those same issues; I suggest cracking open your mental health book from nursing school and utilizing appropriate responses to personalities and behaviors; that's helped me in the 8 years that I have been a nurse.

My adage: the ONLY expectations to have in nursing (and life) is of YOURSELF; be the best in what you do and ALWAYS find a niche; it is possible, but up to YOU.

One last thing-leave WORK at WORK. Enjoy the company if your fiancé. Spend time going on trips, activities that make you happy. Between school and work, one must find balance. Seek balance and happiness, get a plan if action together...if you choose to stay where you are, and even in most places, BSN is preferred, and that will be here to stay; however if you are in a program, you MAY be considered, but that's a huge MAY. Keep you eye in the prize and SELL YOURSELF to get another position!

Sending positive vibes on seeking happiness.

[Dean7]

Thank you everyone for your replies! It makes me feel better and am glad to have this because it was driving me nuts keeping it all inside. I need to be more active on this board.

I will try looking for another position eventually. Just need to pick myself up from the disappointment of not getting anywhere from my attempt to do an internal transfer. But ultimately I feel it'd be best to leave that hospital all together..for a much better pay too!

[loriangel14, RN]

Yes I agree with Ladyfree, you need to leave work at work.Don't let these sad souls get to you. I just shake my head at people like the nasty patient and the toxic coworker. Just be glad you aren't them. They aren't happy people. Don't BECOME them.

[Sippie]

I think you need to sit down and make some personal goals. Where do you want your nursing career to go..What kind of patients do you want to work with... What kind of work makes you happy? Then make it happen. Sometimes being able to step outside of the day to day stuff and look at the big picture (how its helping you achieve your goals) helps you deal with the bad side of things.

There is always gonna be some d**che bag who wants to make everyone else miserable. Completely ignore them. I would just go about my business and be super nice to everyone else. If you have to interact with this person be super nice to them too then go about your business. If this place is really getting to you and you can't deal with it, go somewhere that will make you happy.