Feedback & Advice about my personal statement

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Hi Everyone who may be reading this! I find this website to be extremely helpful and I am so thankful for it and what it has taught me from all the lovely people in it! I was just curious if anyone wanted to take a look at my personal statement in it's first steps to becoming a final draft! They say get as many eyes on it as possible and I would greatly appreciate ANY feedback! Just a little background information on it, I am currently applying to several schools however this statement will be going to University of San Francisco 2nd degree bachelor's as well as Concordia's ABSN program. As for now it is particularly shaped and written for USF and I need to add and change up a few paragraphs for Concordia's. Anyways, I would appreciate the help because all USF said about there essay was this "For the USF application, a 1-2 page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission may be sent electronically to [email protected] or by mail." A little vague, so any help since this is my first nursing personal statement would be GREATLY appreciated!

My first thoughts of becoming a nurse began when I was well on my way to receiving my Bachelors degree in Psychology at the University of Colorado. For the first three years I believed Psychology was for me, but the closer I came to receiving my diploma the more I realized it was not everything I wanted anymore. This began when I started researching the nursing profession online. After reading several blogs and participating in discussions with current registered nurses on a popular website http://www.allnurses.com, I soon realized nursing could be the final piece to my puzzle. Although I thought, was my Bachelors degree I just worked so hard for now just going to set me back? I was wrong. I found your Second Degree Bachelor's in Nursing program and my thoughts about my academic career shifted. Your program is designed for students with a previous Bachelor's degree and a nursing graduate that is liberal and provides the community with professional practice. My thoughts about my Bachelor's degree went from being a possible setback to having a head-start in all the essential components of a good nurse. I realized my Bachelors in Psychology was just my first step towards pursuing a career in nursing. My strong background in Psychology taught me to listen, understand and provide patients with the help they need to handle any difficult emotions and behaviors they experience during their illness. I studied numerous psychological disorders such as, anxiety and depression that often coincide many physical disabilities and diseases. Therefore, from knowing what can provoke the disorders to how to help manage the disorders is a crucial aspect in the overall improvement of any patient. However, mental and emotional demands are half the battle, my next step was to understand medical equipment, vital signs, medication and so much more. Therefore, I decided to apply for an internship at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach. My hope was for my experiences at Hoag hospital to further secure my decision in becoming a nurse. A few weeks later I was accepted into Hoag Hospital's internship program and began on my first nursing floor "Medical Pulmonary." It has now been close to a year and a half and I have rotated through Orthopedics, Medical/Surgical, the Emergency Department, and my current floor Post Anesthesia Care Unit. I have specific duties such as: bathing and feeding patients, taking patients to the bathroom, discharging patients, helping patient's families, helping patients walk and much more. However, my specified daily duties are not nearly half of what I have experienced during my internship. For example, I have witnessed and helped nurses with patient's experiencing respiratory arrest and strokes. In addition, I have helped a nurse remove and bag up a patient who had just died twenty minutes before I arrived on the floor. Furthermore, I have helped nurses clean wounds, check glucose levels, and even help restrain combative patients for their safety. I have been lucky enough to work 4-8 hours a week at Hoag Hospital watching and learning about the emotional and physical demands the career of a nurse requires. All experiences that continue to reinforce this career is for me. I chose Psychology because I wanted to help people understand themselves and ultimately help them lead a healthier life, however my internship at Hoag Hospital showed me exactly why I felt incomplete with only my Bachelor's in Psychology. As a Psychologist, your job is to give advice, listen and help people towards positive personal growth. The job seemed to create personal relationships that were strictly one-sided, whereas a career in nursing promotes not only a healthier life for the patient but also for yourself. From my experience in the hospital, everyone around you is there to help and no relationship goes one-sided. It has been a magical environment to watch and interact in and I am determined to one day become a part of it as a nurse. These are the reasons why I want to be a nurse and they are exactly why I think I would be a great nurse. I believe I fit perfectly in this environment. I strive to help people, I am a hard-worker, I am always ready to learn more and most importantly I am patient with those around me. Your program is the next step I need to take to further my education and clinical experience. Being offered admission will allow me to graduate and provide the community with a professional nurse who will work to create a more humane world.

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1. The opening few sentances are way too negative. Find a way to be positive about your psych degree while still conveying that you want to pursue a career as a nurse, not a psychologist/therapist. No need to tell anybody you majored in something you weren't excited about and didn't like.

2. You WILL be using that psych degree as a nurse, big time. So play it up as a strength - trust me, you will be putting all that psych theory into practice once you're at clinicals, so convey that to the reader.

3. The part about your internship sounds more like a cover letter or resume than a personal statement. Make that part much shorter. You don't need to talk about the specific aspects of your job like ambulating patients and helping with toileting, but rather use this internship paragraph to convey your enthusiasm about being in a healthcare role.

4. You've got some really awkward grammer like the apostrophe in "patient's" that does not belong, and "interacting in"

5. When you get to school you'll quickly learn that nursing is "patient centered", not nurse centered. Yes, we are all experiencing personal growth in NS but it's a nursing school no-no to play up this aspect. Always, always make things about the patient. Instead of "one sided relationship vs. personal growth for me too", you'd put that as "As a nurse, I can reach people in a positive way on a much deeper and more holistic level"

6. Axe the word "liberal". Politics should be kept out of NS application.

7. Leave out anything like "I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life". It does not matter now that you didn't know what you wanted to do while in college, or even afterwards. All that matters now is that you want to be a nurse and the "proof" why. Never make yourself sound wishy-washy or indesicive.

I'd scrap all of it except for these two sentances: "I chose Psychology because I wanted to help people understand themselves and ultimately help them lead a healthier life, however my internship at Hoag Hospital showed me exactly why I felt incomplete with only my Bachelor’s in Psychology. As a Psychologist, your job is to give advice, listen and help people towards positive personal growth."

So here's how I'd format it:

1. Why you want to be a nurse (your current internship and how much you love it, how enthusiastic you are, what your favorite aspects are)

2. What will make you able to get through the program successfully and what will make you a great nurse (your psych background, a few particular personal strengths you draw upon, hard worker, etc)

3. (if applicable) What type of nursing you think you might want to do, what further education in nursing you may want to pursue and why

And in case you're wondering who I am that ate your essay for dinner, I just finished my first semester of a 2-year hybrid ADN/Diploma program, after getting a useless BA in English/Psych from fancy liberal arts college in New England, bouncing around boring HR jobs for 8 years, then deciding to be a nurse. :)

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Wow thank you VERY much for your time, and I apologize that your dinner didn't taste very well :( You have given me a lot of good advice and I can see what your talking about in all of your points, I am just having a hard time making my statement not seem "general." I have heard a lot of complaints about the statement seeming like the applicant sent it to every school and how the reader's notice that it is not intended for their particular program. Anyways, that was mainly why I said "liberal," also why I didn't include future goals and things like that that I do need to add for other schools. Anyways, tonight I am going to digest all of your comments and make this essay stronger. I will re-post a newer addition hopefully tomorrow and maybe you'll have something a little better to eat if you wish to read through it again!

On another note, what ADN/Diploma program are in you? How was your first semester, and do you still feel you made the right choice with nursing after your English/Psych degree?

Thanks again for your comments, I REALLY appreciate it.

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I'm a comma nazi and have some other run-on sentence, grammer and stylistic advice. But it's just my advice, take it or leave it. I also suggest perhaps getting an English major or maybe your local librarian to read it one last time before you send it. There might be more errors that I overlooked. Here's my suggestions from my first read thru:

1) You use both "Bachelors" and "Bachelor's". Pick one and stay consistent. You also say it 7 times. For as short as this statement is, I suggest cutting down on the repetition. You could also call it "my BA" or "my degree" or something like that. You've already referred to it once, you don't need to repeat the exact phrase. Also on repitition, if you could cut down on the use of the personal pronouns, the overall tone would be kicked up a couple notches.

For instance changing "Therefore, I decided to apply for an internship at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach. My hope was for my experiences at Hoag hospital to further secure my decision in becoming a nurse." To -> "Therefore, in the hopes of confirming the decision to become a nurse, I applied for an internship at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach." or something like that. I tried to keep the same gist of the two sentences, but only used one personal pronoun instead of four.

2) "Your program is designed for students with a previous Bachelor’s degree and a nursing graduate that is liberal and provides the community with professional practice." Very awkward sentence with lots going on. Maybe split this into two sentences. I don't really have advice for it, because I'm not too sure what you're trying to convey. But I might just not be reading it correctly on my part.

3) "My strong background in Psychology taught me to listen, understand and provide patients with the help they need to handle any difficult emotions and behaviors they experience during their illness." The list of things in the middle is kind of confusing. I suggest "... taught me to not only listen to patients, but also understand their needs and provide them with the help..."

4) "I studied numerous psychological ... disabilities and diseases." I suggest "I studied numerous psychological disorders, such as anxiety and depression, that often coincide many physical disabilities and diseases." or "I studied numerous psychological disorders that often coincide many physical disabilities and diseases, such as anxiety and depression."

5) "However, mental and emotional demands are half the battle, my next step was to understand medical equipment, vital signs, medication and so much more." Kind of a run-on. I suggest a sentence break at "... battle. My next step..."

6) "A few weeks later I was accepted..." -> "A few weeks later, I was..."

7) "It has now been close to a year and a half and I have rotated..." -> "It has now been close to a year and a half, and I ..."

8) "I have specific duties such as: bathing and ..." -> "such as the following: bathing..." or just get rid of the colon.

9) "All experiences that continue to reinforce..." -> "All of these experiences continue to reinforce that this career..."

10) "a healthier life, however my" -> "life. However, my"

11) "...is there to help and no relationship goes one-sided." -> "...is there to help, and no relationship goes one-sided."

12) "...interact in and I ...." -> "...interact in, and I ...."

13) "I strive to help people, I am a hard-worker, I am always ready to learn more and most importantly I am patient with those around me." -> "I strive to help people. I am also a hard-worker who is always ready to learn more. Most importantly, I am patient with those around me."

Good luck! It looks like you have great experience and qualifications!

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Do you have to tailor each statement to every school you apply to? Because I applied to two schools and I used the same statement for each, I didn't tailor them (and I was accepted to both so my statement must have been passable at least). I know factors like cost and location often play a strong role in our choice of where to apply, but there must be additional reasons you chose these schools that you can mention. If you went to the school in SF would it give you a particular opportunity to serve struggling communities that may be underserved when it comes to healthcare? Is the school associated with particular clinical sites that specialize in your areas of interest? If so, mention it as your reason for choosing the school.

Here's what I did on mine:

I talked about what specific event turned me on to nursing (in my case, a 10-day hospitalization for a ruptured appendix when I was 15). I talked about what nursing means to me and what a nurse is/does. The reason I gave for why I had another degree and former career before nursing was that "nursing takes maturity" and something like I wasn't ready at the time, but now I am. Then I talked about what in my background and personality will make me a great nurse.

I'm in north Jersey, right across the river from NYC. We have a handful of accellerated BSN programs here plus the hybrid diploma/AS program through the community college where I live. I chose the diploma/AS over the BSN for a few reasons, none of which had anything to do with my previous (useless) BA in English.

- The hospital school I am attending has an excellent reputation in North Jersey and lots of connections with area hospitals, which a straightforward university may not. Only one of the accellerated BSN's in the area has a good rep.

-The cost and location of the hybrid program was far more attractive to me than any of the BSN schools, it was half the price of an accellerated BSN

- The hospital school has a strong focus on serving the urban community here.

My first semester was hard, but I studied a LOT and got an A. I've never felt good in my life as I do when I take care of patients and help people in such a fundamental way.

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First of all, I want to say thank you again HaikuCatLady and frnzy, the advice you two have given me has been extremely helpful. Frnzy I do go overboard with my commas. I want to say so many things that I felt I needed people to see my essay to see if I was even going in the right direction. The advice HaikuCatLady gave me when she showed me a better structure for my essay is a lot like what I believe my final draft should look like. However, I am applying to a Second-degree bachelors program (which is almost the same as a regular bachelors), an ADN program, ABSN program and 2 Entry-level Master's programs. They are all different programs which is why I was worried about tailoring my essay to specific schools. Anyways, here are my responses to your pointers!

1. Looking back at my essay I agree that my opening sentences are too negative and I don't mean to portray my bachelors in such a bad light because I use that degree everyday. I think it came across this way because I was trying to answer the question "Why nursing now?," especially because I just recently graduated and instantly wanted to become a nurse. So that is why I explained shortly after, that Psychology was my first step towards becoming a nurse. I really don't want anyone to think what I majored in wasn't something I was interested in because that's not true at all. I love psychology, I just know that a career in "only" psychology wasn't the right path for me.

2. I agree the part about my internship does sound like a cover letter and I have heard a lot of people say don't make it sound like a resume, so that will be changed. The reason I wrote it out like that was because I wanted to make it clear that I have been involved in a lot of stressful and intense situations along with the day to day cleaning, feeding and walking patients. However, how I said it comes on a little too strong and I need to lighten it up.

3. I apologize about the grammar, it was only a first draft and I was more worried about the content at this point.

4. I know that nursing is "patient-centered" and my patients will always be my top priority. I was worried what I said might come off as selfish, I just found it hard to refrain from saying that this career you have a lot of people looking out for you. In my experience, particularly in the PACU they interact with each-other like family. Everyone is always looking out for everyone else and there have been countless days that patients have just been dying to talk to me. They want to talk about their lives and they want to hear about mine. The warm feeling I get from the nurses and patients is a lot different from sitting in an office discussing issues of a patient's anxiety, what a therapist would mainly due. Anyways, i'll cut it down it was just hard not to say because its one of the reasons I love nursing.

As for now, I haven't changed anything I have written but I do have a couple of questions:

1. When I listed some of my personal qualities, like hard-worker, patient, etc. Do those sound ridiculous because I don't have anything behind them except for words? Anyone can say they are those things, but for example I won a "Perfect Attendance" award from my internship this month that is for dedicating myself very week, not missing shifts showing that I care to keep up with the nurses and patients on a weekly basis. Do I need things like that to back up those qualities or does that award just sound cheesy?

2. Some of the schools I am applying to ask that I write about my long-term goals and what specific type of nursing I want to do. As of now I would love to be a nurse in the PACU and I can list reasons why that is. However, my long-term goals aren't in concrete and I don't want to sound wishy-washy like you said to avoid. To be perfectly honest, I want to become an RN and get more experience in different fields and then make a decision from there. I only have a year and a half of experience in the hospital and I don't want to proceed with any further education until I get more experience being an RN. Do I say something like that which is true or leave it out?

3. Also, I do need to make it more clear as to what nursing means to me, however people told me to specifically not write about what a nurse is because most if not all of the people reading your essay will be a nurse and they don't need to be told what a nurse is. So I guess i'll stay away from that?

Before I start talking for days i'll end here and get on to writing my essay! Thanks again for your comments and the grammar help was huge frnzy! Congratulations HaikuCatLady for getting an A over your first semester! I am sure its tough, but I completely understand that the studying and time is worth it because of how you get to care for your patients!

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3. Also, I do need to make it more clear as to what nursing means to me, however people told me to specifically not write about what a nurse is because most if not all of the people reading your essay will be a nurse and they don't need to be told what a nurse is. So I guess i'll stay away from that?

I wrote a little on this in my statement because I wanted to show the reader what my personal definition/idea of a nurse was. You can do this really eloquently if you link it to the paragraph about your psych degree. If you say it something like this:

- got degree in psych because you wanted to make a difference in people's lives and/or were fascinated to learn about all the different diseases and disorders

- weren't sure what direction you wanted to take your psych knowledge in at the time

- took the internship at hospital and that turned you on to becoming a nurse

- as a psychologist you'd just give advice, and you want to take care of the whole person, not just one aspect. You know that a nurse doesn't just give advice or just give out meds, and as a nurse you'd be able to do this holistic care. (this is the "what a nurse is" part but it doesn't sound totally lame when you work it in with the psych degree stuff)

IMO unless you have a specific career goal as a nurse, ie. to be a psych nurse or nurse practioner in a certain field, then I'd leave out the part about what further education you want to do after your RN.

Yes it's fine to day you're a hard worker and patient without having to prove it - nobody can prove that in an essay anyway... :)

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I wouldn't post a personal statement in a public forum.

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Is there a way to delete it?

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You should pm a moderator about it. For future reference, its prob best to pm or email the essay to people on here whos willing to read it and they can respond in kind.

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Thank you! I agree I should have done it that way, now I have to worry about people taking my essay and using it :(

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Specializes in med/surg, telemetry, IV therapy, mgmt.

your essay was to be about yourself and tell how you will help the university to carry out its mission. nowhere in the essay do you mention the mission of the university. read the instructions for the essay again and follow the directions. i suggest you get a copy of the college catalog and find out what the mission of the university as well as their nursing program is and tailor your experiences to reflect them.

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