Family Making "Elder Abuse" Jokes?'

[Skayda]

Hey all!

At the place where I work, a 5 resident adult family home, there is one resident who is on a level of aspirin daily that causes her to bruise very easily. She came back from a trip to the hospital with her arms black and blue from the IVs and when she bumps elbow/arm against the wall at night while in bed it turns her whole upper arm purple! Well, anyway, her family members are always joking around saying stuff like; "Looks like A and T are beating up on you again. Ha ha!" And it's just so inappropriate and I don't think it's funny one bit. I treat all those in my care as if they were my own family and with a thought as to how I'd want to be treated,(and if I suspected the provider of the afh (the only other caregiver on staff), or another resident or family member of abuse of course I would call and report it), but, to make light of something as serious as elder abuse, especially when it could be heard out of context and result in someone getting falsely reported and the fact that people actually are abused and I don't think they think it's something to laugh about. Have any of you been in that situation like I mentioned above or similar? How did you handle it?

Thanks

~Ami

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i agree with you. it's not funny. i've been in violent relationships (both my parents and my ex-husband) and i see no humor at all there. however there are always some morons who will joke about abuse.

[JDZ344]

That sounds like my family- we joke about dark stuff. Kind of like the saying "if you don't laugh you'll cry". BUT we would only joke around like that with each other (for instance: I might joke to my mother if she were bruised "Has dad been beating you again?".

I would never say this in a public place though in case someone thought I was being serious and I think you have a right to be concerned by it.

[itsmejuli]

I would have nicely said something to the family about it not being funny.

[Skayda]

I would have nicely said something to the family about it not being funny.

I agree. Next time it happens that's what I'll do.

[Skayda]

That sounds like my family- we joke about dark stuff. Kind of like the saying "if you don't laugh you'll cry". BUT we would only joke around like that with each other (for instance: I might joke to my mother if she were bruised "Has dad been beating you again?".

I would never say this in a public place though in case someone thought I was being serious and I think you have a right to be concerned by it.

Me and my own family are like that too but there's a time and place for "dry" humor, right?

[JDZ344]

Me and my own family are like that too but there's a time and place for "dry" humor, right?

Totally. Like I said, we never really joke around in public.

[ElsaKay]

I hesitate to ever criticize family unless it's something of dire, immediate importance, like, "Oh, let me help you please" when an old, frail family member is trying to help their spouse with a transfer.

Instead, I'd say something in a cheerful voice like, "No one's going to hurt you. I want to take good care of all my patients."

[funtimes]

The problem with this type of humor is the possibility it could plant a notion in the head of someone with dementia who is hearing a relative talk about how they are being beaten. They might not get the "joke".

After hearing their son or daughter say it a few times, I could imagine an elderly person being asked how they got these bruises and saying 'Im not sure, so and so was beating on me again I guess', or a roomate who overhead it saying the same thing.

[fuzzywuzzy, CNA]

^Yeah, that's what would make me uncomfortable. Anyone could hear it and take it the wrong way.

[Skayda]

^Yeah, that's what would make me uncomfortable. Anyone could hear it and take it the wrong way.

Seconded! That's what made me uncomfortable to begin with! I pretty much did as ElsaKay suggested and said cheerfully along the same lines as no one would ever harm your Mom/you on my watch to which her daughter in law replied back with oh I know we are just teasing! But I agree that with dementia people they don't get teasing and jokes the same way and the idea could get planted in their head like it was already mentioned that I seconded agreement to. Its a touchy subject, on the one hand you want to keep it positive without talk of violence even jokingly and on the other hand you don't want to telling family members what to do. I asked to speak with her daughter in law in private before she left the home and gently and respectfully reminded them, (Im sure they've already read all the info on their loved one's condition), about the way a brain damaged by dementia might "take" things in a different manner than you or I and requested, again; gently and respectfully, that we,(not trying to lay blame or point fingers), curb the "beating up on Mom" talk from now on and explained why it makes me, as a caregiver uncomfortable. It went over well as she said she hadn't considered that side of it before and agreed to not joke around about abuse anymore.

[Skayda]

It also reminds of how people always say; "What's wrong with you?! Were you dropped on your head as a baby?!" A fellow caregiver and friend of mind told me recently after taking a new job that she will never use that phrase in jest ever again...after meeting a teenage boy who suffers from brain damage due to having been dropped on his head as a baby. People often don't realize that there are real incidents of violence and abuse that happen that are no laughing matter.