Essay help :)

[patty89]

I was wondering if you guys would be willing to look over my essay and give me your thoughts, comments, etc. This is my first draft so I'm looking for honest opinions. The essay question is "why are you pursuing a career as a nurse?"

I would be lying if I told you that I have wanted to be a nurse since I was a little girl. The truth is, when I was a little girl I wanted to grow up and become a singer/actress. That dream came to an end when I realized early on that I had a fear of performing in front of a large crowd. It actually wasn't until high school when I realize were my true passion stood and realize I wanted to be a nurse.

When I turned 16 I was finally able to apply for a part-time job. I had a few friends who worked at a local retirement center, working in the dining room as servers. I applied as well and got the job soon after. While working there, I became very good friends with the caregiving director. I would hear all about her job, what she would do, and how much she enjoyed caring for these residents. A few months later she asked if I wanted to give caregiving a try. To this day, saying yes but one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I fell in love with my job. I developed such a strong passion for helping other people. I took pride in my work knowing it wasn't meant for everyone. I would assist the residence with all activities of daily living. I became a companiom for these residents. While working as a caregiver, I had the opportunity to work alongside many great nurses, and I knew I wanted to become a nurse too. I took every chance I could to talk to the nurses about their specific job, roles, and scope of practice. I started taking many science and health classes in high school, and I passion just kept growing.

After working as a caregiver, I was able to get a job at a clinic which worked primarily with the underserved population where I was hired and trained on the job as a medical assistant. I went from working with the geriatric population, to working mainly with children. I worked with many nurses and doctors who were extremely passionate about their jobs. Doctors and nurses that would stay late to accommodate a working mom, doctors who would pay for a patient's prescription from their own wallets, and staff would go out to the community to take care people on the street. I started growing as a person and I want to continue helping people.

I remember the first time I truly made a difference in a patient's life, although it was very brief, the moment turned out to be very fulfilling. I knew I wanted to continue making a difference in peoples lives, no matter how big or small the difference was. Nursing is a privilege and a gift I hope to share with the world. I want to help care for the sick while showing love, dignity, and respect. I have seen good care and I have also unfortunately seen bad care as well. Seeing the good and the bad has helped shape me into the nurse I want to become. I want to be a kind, compassionate nurse who is not afraid of displaying real feelings. I want to be the type of nurse I would want to have for myself and for my family.

I believe that the number one reason to choose any career is because you love the work. I can truly say that I love what I do, but I want to go further. I want to work even closer to the patients and be more directly involved in their care. It is very rewarding to be in the medical profession, knowing you are doing something for someone else and not expecting anything in return. Knowing you are helping someone and making a difference is rewarding enough for me. I want to be able to help patients, whether it's helping a geriatric patient become more independent, helping coach a mom during a difficult labor, or helping soothe a crying child getting chemo treatment. I want to be a beacon of hope during someone's most trying time.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

You had me until the "showing love"--"I want to go further" "even closer to the patients" and wanting to be a "beacon of hope" scenarios.

Nursing is an occupation, and not a lifestyle choice. Nurses need to be very sure that they are professional, set boundries, and not become emotionally entangled in their patient's life.

You can show empathy and compassion without bringing it home with you and making it part of your life outside. Especially when you are interested in nursing that entails the "undesirables" (which is my FAVORITE kind of nursing). I also like the fringes--but I also have to sleep, to enjoy life outside of the facility.....you get what I mean I am sure...It is not about you, your feelings, your desire to be a beacon. Additionally, not every unit/facility embraces the concept of unlimited time to become embroiled--too many patients, too little nurses, and policies galore.....

Best wishes with this, but I would tweak it to make it less about emotion, and more about the care you provide/would like to provide (evidence based practice is HUGE, working as part of a team, the practice you plan on embracing...)

[UnaNayeli]

Paragraph one: realize should be realized? The next sentence: were should be where? You need a bit more proofreading (said gently).

[patty89]

Thank you very much for your honest feedback. I really like and appreciate your suggestions.

You had me until the "showing love"--"I want to go further" "even closer to the patients" and wanting to be a "beacon of hope" scenarios.

Nursing is an occupation, and not a lifestyle choice. Nurses need to be very sure that they are professional, set boundries, and not become emotionally entangled in their patient's life.

You can show empathy and compassion without bringing it home with you and making it part of your life outside. Especially when you are interested in nursing that entails the "undesirables" (which is my FAVORITE kind of nursing). I also like the fringes--but I also have to sleep, to enjoy life outside of the facility.....you get what I mean I am sure...It is not about you, your feelings, your desire to be a beacon. Additionally, not every unit/facility embraces the concept of unlimited time to become embroiled--too many patients, too little nurses, and policies galore.....

Best wishes with this, but I would tweak it to make it less about emotion, and more about the care you provide/would like to provide (evidence based practice is HUGE, working as part of a team, the practice you plan on embracing...)

[patty89]

Oops. There are a few mistakes. I actually have it saved on my laptop and spoke it using a microphone onto this thread. I think that's where some of the mistakes came from. Thanks :)

[Guttercat, ASN, RN]

Is this an essay for entrance into a nursing program?

There is a lot that is right about it, and a lot that is wrong. Start with length. Edit this bad boy into a third of its current content, and you have a rough draft.

[Guttercat, ASN, RN]

Here. Let me help you begin to whittle this down to something much less self-indulgent. (I am not trying to be mean. I just know that writing for the reader is hard work!) All I did was chop out content that was distracting. See the difference? Much more powerful with fewer words. Learn to lose your words, because wordiness is often not received well.

"When I was a little girl I wanted to grow up and become a singer/actress.

When I turned 16, I was finally able to apply for a part-time job. I had a few friends who worked at a local retirement center, working in the dining room as servers. I applied as well and got the job soon after. While working there, I became very good friends with the caregiving director. I would hear all about her job, what she would do, and how much she enjoyed caring for these residents. A few months later she asked if I wanted to give caregiving a try. To this day, saying yes but one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I fell in love with my job. I took every chance I could to talk to the nurses about their specific job, roles, and scope of practice. I started taking many science and health classes in high school, and I passion just kept growing.

I was able to get a job at a clinic which worked primarily with the underserved population where I was hired and trained on the job as a medical assistant. I started growing as a person and I want to continue helping people. I knew I wanted to continue making a difference in peoples lives, no matter how big or small the difference was. Nursing is a privilege and a gift. Seeing the good and the bad has helped shape me into the nurse I want to become.

I believe that the number one reason to choose any career is because you love the work. I can truly say that I love what I do, but I want to go further."

[Guttercat, ASN, RN]

Now I am really going to insult you. :) I am going to chop it down even further (and edit punctuation and grammer):

"When I was a girl, I wanted to become a singer or actress.

But, when I turned sixteen, I had a few friends who worked at a local retirement center. They worked in the dining room as servers. I applied and obtained a position soon after. While working there, I befriended the director. She told me all about her job: What she did, and how much she enjoyed caring for these residents. A few months later, she asked me if I wanted to try caregiving. Saying "yes" to this opportunity is a decision I will never regret.

I fell in love with my job. I took every chance available to talk to the nurses about their specific roles and practice. I started taking many science and health classes in high school, and my passion kept growing.

Eventually, this job led to a position as a medical assistant working with an under-served population. I grew both as a person and professionally, and I want to continue helping people. Nursing is a privilege and a gift. To experience the good and the bad has helped shape me into the nurse I want to become.

I believe that the best reason to choose any career is for the love of it. I can truly say that I love what I do, but I want to go further."

[tnbutterfly - Mary, BSN]

Is there a minimum or maximum word requirement?

[APRN., DNP, RN, APRN, NP]

http://m.grammarly.com