Doubting myself, and this career choice support & hugs needed

[EarthhAngel2013]

I did the PCT Program almost a year ago, during the skills I was so nervous that I would mess up, and my instructor was one of those that ridiculed you and harassed you, then in the classroom would openly make fun of you, and outside of class was like, all buddy buddy trying to help you. I dropped the program 2 weeks from graduation so that I could get away from her. I was in a DV relationship before taking that program and she seemed to compound all of my problems and make them worse until I was crying during every skill. One time I left the classroom, and she followed me into the bathroom, and was directly in my face saying you need to leave your emotions at the door. Okay the field I have chosen to go into is one that you need your emotions the minute I can look at a patient and not feel anything for their suffering, I need to get another profession!

Then I started Nursing School. The instructor's are all so nice, it was amazing. But for some reason I am still having the same horrible feeling of being worthless, that if I can't do a skill right I don't need to be there. If I can't do my skills perfectly I should just quit because there is absolutely no reason for me to continue. I was still doing the crying thing during some skills, even if I checked off correctly, I would think back on what I just did, and burst into tears. I can't stop it. I have absolutely no idea how. I am still having this feeling that I don't need to be a nurse if I can't do everything perfectly and yet it is all i have wanted to do, since I was 14. It came down to my skills final a paper test. I failed it by one point, I have the option to reattempt next year. The only good thing I can find in that is that I have already done every skill once and successfully checked off on it.

Now I am a Tech at the same place my mom works and she goes in with me and introduces me as a Nursing student, and that we will be performing this skill. Now I am trained to start IV's and insert Foley's as a tech. I go in by myself and introduce myself as a tech, she goes in and says I am a nursing student. That's another issue all together. I can do successful Foley insertions on pregnant women, believe me it is hard, until you figure out how to do it. The IV starts I haven't been nearly as successful with, I suck, and I cannot get enough during my three days up there to be successful at it. In school they tell us we have three sticks, at work my mom lets me get in one stick either she jumps in and takes it away from me, or the pt requests her to do it. How in the hell am I supposed to learn if they patients, and other staff will not let me finish what I started! Then after she takes it away that mom's excuses start "Oh that woman, was a hard stick. " I think yeah but mom how the he*l am I supposed to learn what to do if you keep taking it away from me." Or "Honey you were in the vein, I just took it from you because the woman was getting antsy"

Last night was a horrible night for me, I came on, and another nurse could not get an IV in, so she asked me to do it, I went in extremely confident more than I actually felt Popped in the IV, started it, she was complaining about it hurts, So mom came in and took it out, the catheter had bent inside this woman's vein. Mom started another one, popped it in on the first try. I felt like crap because I went through 2 semesters in school about putting in IV's one was a tech program, the other was Nursing school, well I didn't let that bother me to tears.

Then I went in to check on a little girl. I wanted to speak to her about having an epidural, I asked every one to leave, even her mother, because my mom and the other nurse had already tried and the family would all start speaking to the girl in spanish the minute the word epidural was mentioned, telling her not to do it. Her mother said "you can't speak to her alone, she's a minor." I was thinking lady you let her get pregnant at the age of 15 years old, she is an emancipated minor, and it is her decision, I am not going to let you coax her because you think her getting an epidural makes her weak, get out! What I said was "This is between me and the patient you need to leave the room please." talked to the girl and she still refused. after that her family wouldn't let me in the room to even check on her. I let that get under my skin and I was p*ssed ready to hit someone. I calmed down and ate, then got back to work.

There was another IV start to do. I once again went in extremely confident. The woman's boyfriend was awesome, keeping running jokes, and trying to help her relax, then I forgot something went out to go and get it, I come back in, my mom had already started the IV and was cleaning up her mess. She had taken it away from me again. This time I hadn't even gotten a chance to try it. I again felt like crap.

I was furious at mom because then she ordered me to stock all the labor rooms, halfway through it all, she called me to the nursery to help her take vitals on the babies, then down to postpartum to do the vitals on moms, then I went and finished all of my stocking. I was furious! Then I calmed down by the time I was done stocking. And went to the desk, most of our stuff was done.

The doctor called at 6 AM and demanded we get the woman (that I didn't get to do the IV on cuz mom had already slunk in there and done it) ready for a C-section. Pretty much the only thing we needed to do was a Foley. I grabbed the Foley kit and went in there, I have done this very successfully many many times. I went to her room instructed the pt, washed my hands did all my prep work, got the Foley to the urethra, and it wouldn't go any farther, than an inch. I reached over and put on the call light cause for once I actually needed my mom's help, no one came. I tried to advance it on my own. The woman sat straight up in bed and screamed at the top of her lung "Oh my god what the f*ck are you doing!" My confidence was totally shattered, I took out what I had of the Foley, and pitched all of it, lowered her bed and turned my back to leave the room. I was crying before I made it through the door. I got to the desk and my mom was sitting on her ass. The call light was still going off. I said you need to get in there and do her f**king catheter. Yes I admit it I cussed at my mom. Then I rounded the desk, whoops the CRNA was standing there. I cussed in front of her. I felt even worse. My mom said "Why? I sent you in there to do it." this patients room was 2 doors from the desk. I explained that I had the catheter in and that it wouldn't advance, and that the patient was screaming at the top of her lungs, so she needed to go do it. I couldn't. My mom came up to me and said ok, you go and calm down. I was still crying through all of that. I went into a spare room, and tried to stop, I couldn't. The Labor nurse came in and tried to calm me down, saying that most of the patients we get out here are patients that have no idea what it takes to be in the medical field, and that they are just looking for a way to be able to sue us. Obviously that didn't help. Mom came in and said, the woman wouldn't let her anywhere near her with a catheter, she wouldn't let the CRNA do it either, so the CRNA said thats fine we'll just put you under and do it then. Mom was saying that she needed to go with me from now on, so that she could teach me. She was explaining that the reason I couldn't pass the cath was because the baby's head was in the way. Then the woman's boyfriend came in and was trying to cheer me up. He also said that he had convinced her to let me try it again. I said NO! he said yes come on. mom said yeah let's go do it. Now I stopped to get another catheter, and mom and he went on into the room. I could hear the woman saying no that she changed her mind and didn't want any of us to touch her, but that she wanted to apologize, cause mom told her that I started crying. 'great thanks mom, I can't have any damn privacy.' I went to put the catheter back up, and then walked in the room, face freshly washed, nose and eyes red, I looked like crap. but I went in and faced her. Then I talked to the CRNA that I had cussed in front of and apologized.

Now almost 24 hours later, I am still upset, and crying through all of the typing. I desperately need advice and hugs, and comments. Whatever can be provided. I don't feel like this is the right field for me. Not anymore. I am even just trying to get away from my mom, and find a job elsewhere, until the program starts again, but what hospital will staff a PCT who can't do IV starts? Thanks so much for listening.

[EarthhAngel2013]

Also if any one has any tips on IV's they would be greatly appreciated.

[ChristineN, BSN, RN]

Two things

#1 Do you have a teacher, nurse mentor, someone you can talk too? Perhaps even a counselor so you can talk through the emotional issues.

#2. I wonder if it would be a less stressful work environment if you worked somewhere different than your mother. She may be looking out for you, etc and this may be contributing it an awkward work environment.

[EarthhAngel2013]

I am looking for a job somewhere else, but so far I have had no luck. I am searching all of the hospital websites, and town papers. No luck yet.

[coast2coast]

1. Counseling. Crying in response to everything is not normal. I say this kindly- get some help.

2. You should not be working with your mother for so many reasons. Her bad habits will become your bad habits, which you will struggle to recognize because you probably think your mom is perfect at her job (nobody is perfect). You are also not being properly 'socialized' in the hospital environment - you would never have cursed at an RN who asked you to put a foley in for her. Lastly, you can't use her for a professional reference because she's your mother.

3. These things aren't necessarily related to your ability to become an RN. You could become a great nurse for all we know. But you are really setting yourself up for unnecessary suffering & failure by not taking care of yourself and not getting experience in an professional environment.