Developing Good Relationship with Death

[MissouriBSNstudent]

Hello.

I am a third-year BSN student and work as a Student Nurse Tech in a major teaching hospital. In the course of clinicals and in working I have directly encountered two patient deaths. In both instances, I reacted well and "kept my cool" during the event (assisted and acted appropriately during the actual code) but then broke down and have been haunted by each death since. After the first one I didn't sleep at all for three nights and required a prescription sleep aid. I've been working on this issue with my therapist since, and am trying to develop a healthier outlook on and relationship with death, but I am looking for advice from nurses on ways you got used to death when you started out.

I think I should share that I've had very limited experience with death even outside of nursing... I never lost a grandparent, never had a family member or friend die. My first experience with death was the death of a lover about two years ago; it was a traumatic experience and precipitated me seeing a therapist in the first place.

Any advice/stories to share on how you developed a healthy outlook on death? I don't want it to be completely numb, but obviously I want to cope better than I am now.

Thanks in advance for anything you might share.

[suanna]

Some us us never develop a good relationship with "Death". For the most part he and I have an understanding- He stays away from my patients during my shift but is welcome to stop by anytime after shift change. I think that dealing with death and dying patients is the most under recognized stressors of our profession. Some people will go thier entire lives without ever seeing a death but we as nurses may see one a mos or more. My best advise is try to find what is bothering you about the deaths- could you have done more?, was the family emotionaly unprepaired or demanding?. Once you know why the deaths bothered you so much you can objectively assess how valid the concerns are. I hate to say it but for some, dealing with dying patients is just too difficult, and they leave the profession-that was the case with my wife. I'm glad you are seeing someone to help you through it now. Talking about it with someone who can help you put things in perspective is the only thing I have ever found that helps.

[leslie :-D]

exploring your own personal beliefs about death, is what will assist you in helping others.

what are your religious/spiritual feelings on dying?

(i'm not asking for an answer- just something for you to privately think about)

i imagine if i truly believed the only way i could get to 'Heaven' is by following a bunch of pretexted doctrine, that would cause me much anxiety.

i imagine if i truly believed that absolutely nothing happens...

that our flesh rots and our souls are no longer:

that would also cause anxiety.

but seeing/experiencing what i have in the context of working w/hundreds of dying pts, my beliefs enable me face death the same as i face life.

it doesn't help that we live in a society that views death as an undesirable phenomenon.

heck, even in the casket, we want the corpses to look as healthy as possible.

when i die, i'm certain i will experience 'some' anxiety.

but overall, my beliefs are such, that i anticipate and embrace the journey i will embark on, from 'here' to where ever my spirit needs to go.

what you can do, as a nurse, is to ensure that your dying pts are comfortable in all aspects.

wishing you the very best.

leslie

[rnboysmom]

Missouri

I, by no means am any more qualified to help you through this, but I am always willing to help, when I can. I am sure that you have been versed by now that some of your "panic" probably comes from the trauma of losing a lover and the deaths you have attended at your teaching hospital may have been more traumatic than normal (teaching hospitals often get the "sickest of the sick"), what I can offer you is this:

Every single death we are privileged to attend is a teaching tool. I always remember that I have been placed there, at bedside as an instrument, whether is be to to control symptons so a loved ones can say final goodbyes, or to be the one there because the family can't say goodbye so I can be the one to relay those final "I love you's" to the family. Think of how very close we are to that "window" that allows passage to the other side at this time, When you do this, for any legnth of time, you cannot doubt that there is something more, that there is another side. You also learn that there are things that are much worse than death---pain, suffering, whether it be physical or emotional. Sometimes death is sudden, and not fair, and it comes at unexpected , unfortunate times, to children, to young parents who are raising children, to our mothers, husbands, brothers or friends, but there IS a path and a plan, and there is a peace on that other side that is more wonderful than anything we can imagine. When you sit at bedside, time after time and watch THAT LOOK, that look of watching someone see the angel show, or watch someone reach out to take the hand of their husband that passed 23 years before them, when you see the tears of happiness in their eyes at seeing all of their loved ones that have passed before them, it is truly an awe inspiring experience.

Remembering that the physical body is just a vesel for the soul makes all the difference in the world. We often remind our families that death is akin to birthing, sometimes it is labored, but there is a great prize at the end. I don't mind if you want to e-mail me.

Wishing peace for you

[shrinky]

I agree that you have to explore and come to some peace, if that's possible, about death. I went into Hospice when I was an older, experienced nurse at the request of my heavenly Father. He always knows what is best for me and I love Hospice. I have been doing this for 8 years now and I do grieve the physical losses, but feel comfort in my beliefs about what comes after earthly death. I can grieve in my flesh but rejoice in my spirit for my patients and sometimes envy them for they will see what I long to see before me. Good luck in your journey.

[Ms Kylee]

I didn't have a good relationship with Death until I sat by my Dad's bedside and held his hand during his final hours. During that time, I ran through the whole gamut of emotions... but in the end, I realized that there was nothing to fear like I did. I felt good knowing that he was peaceful and not in pain.

It was also at that time that I realized that death is the end of the life cycle.

At work, I am professional. I do the post mortem care, and wait for Security to come pick up the body. If it is a patient that I have cared for and am close to, then I'll make a trip to the bathroom to cry things out for a few minutes. So far, I've only had two patients die during my shift.

Mr. Death and I have an agreement. He's not welcome while I'm around, but if he has to come, please come after my 8 are in. Course, he hasn't listened twice. But I'll get him for that later.