Death and dying/ I’m not sure I can handle seeing any more of it.

Published Nov 3, 2020

495 Posts

Specializes in Surgical Specialty Clinic - Ambulatory Care.

Nurse x 12 years here. Has anyone else just seen to much to keep going? The mom who had IVF several times before becoming pregnant only to die 3 days later of a stroke. The 24 year old mom of 3 who came in the ER to find she had stage IV cancer. The 55 year old father of a 4 year old dying of cancer. The 36 year old father of 3 who died in a motorcycle accident. The 12 year old boy who wanted a slumber party with his siblings before he died. The 2 year old that died at the family reunion because they lost track of her and she drowned. The toddler that the mom accidentally killed after backing over him because she thought he was with the dad and the dad thought vice versa. And so many, many more. The ‘good’ deaths with the children and grandchildren at the bedside are almost non existent. No, I have not seen “many miracles” in my career, and the few I have just scared me more because they were perfectly treatable things that had been missed to start with. I know, like most in our field, how short our time is with those we love. I don’t think I can spend anymore of it caring for strangers, people I hope the best for but don’t matter to me. Along with the conflict of having an ever increasing amount of work; work that just satisfies the over regulated, over redundant, micromanaged needs of hospitals and insurance companies to disburse or reimburse for the minimal care we can provide in between. I want out of this field so bad. I have looked, I have tried many different positions...one every 1-2 years. I can’t think of anything worse than years of mind numbing paperwork or watching more super tragic deaths. I know we all have to die, I think we should all give to those who leave this world before they have had a long good life, I’m just not sure I can anymore.

I don’t really want responses. I am looking into every avenue I can to get out of this hell I have trapped myself into. But, like many, I am the sole supporter of my family and I surely can’t left them down. I just want others to know that if you feel this down about nursing, the career you chose, the debt you incurred for a job that kills your soul and barely keeps the bills paid on your frugal life, you are not alone.