Critique my Personal statement

[lacrisha24]

I first figured out that I wanted to become a nurse shortly after I became a mother. Being a mother is the initial motivation of wanting to pursue being a nurse. There is no greater joy in the world to me than giving my love and nurture to my children. I want to be the best example and role model for my children as they grow up, so they may see how important it is to give back to the world. I want them to understand that each living thing is just as important as another. I also want to teach them that we do everything we can to help others and treat them the way that we would want to be treated. I want to take care of and give genuine care to the less fortunate. I want to be able to ease my friend's minds when they are worried at three am about their child's fever, but most of all I want to be the person that can make a difference in every one of my patient's lives, even if it's as small as a smile or to lend an ear.

The vision that I have for my nursing career is to complete my BSN at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and then become a member of the Nurse Corp in the United States Air Force. There I can start my career off by taking care of my brothers- and sisters-in-arms and their children. My ultimate goal is to get my Master's degree and become a nurse practitioner in Pediatrics, as well as become a certified midwife. I want to do that so I can be there to take care of babies from the moment they are conceived until they are adults taking care of themselves. I can't imagine a more self-gratifying job for me than to become a nurse and help take care of those that need it most. I have been in the Air Force for almost six years, and both of my children were born while I was active duty. Working with the amazing nurses that delivered my babies helped me to find my calling in life. I can only hope to leave a similar lasting impression on other servicemen and servicewomen in my future.

The mark that I hope to leave in health care is a great one. I want to leave the health care industry an even better person. I want to learn from being a nurse, to grow and become an even better person. I hope to find the best and most efficient ways to treat all kinds of problems. I am a driven team leader and hope that what I learn at UNMC and in my career will help to mold and influence others to join the nursing field. I want for people to come to me when they first find out they are pregnant, and to continue to see me throughout their children's lives. Taking care of a baby from conception until adulthood, and seeing them grow, knowing that I in some way helped contribute to that, is incredibly humbling. As a parent, you want the best care for you children, and as a future nurse, I will give that type of care to my fellow parents.

[gere7404, BSN, RN]

What was your MOS (AFSC or whatever they're called) in the Airforce? If it's a medical job, definitely relate experience from that job in your statement -- if you are an NCO, reflect on how your skill and experience in leadership can better those you'll work with in the nursing career.

Try to use more emotionally invoking words -- instead of words like "want," use "hope" or "aspire." There's some redundant sentence structuring and points that could be bridged together. For instance, your opening sentence, "I first figured out that I wanted to become a nurse shortly after I became a mother. Being a mother is the initial motivation of wanting to pursue being a nurse," says pretty much the same thing. You can rearrage it to flow better to something like this: "My initial inspiration and motivation towards pursuing an education in nursing was the birth of my children," and then explain why having kids motivated you.

[MiniNurseintraining]

What was your MOS (AFSC or whatever they're called) in the Airforce? If it's a medical job, definitely relate experience from that job in your statement -- if you are an NCO, reflect on how your skill and experience in leadership can better those you'll work with in the nursing career.

Try to use more emotionally invoking words -- instead of words like "want," use "hope" or "aspire." There's some redundant sentence structuring and points that could be bridged together. For instance, your opening sentence, "I first figured out that I wanted to become a nurse shortly after I became a mother. Being a mother is the initial motivation of wanting to pursue being a nurse," says pretty much the same thing. You can rearrage it to flow better to something like this: "My initial inspiration and motivation towards pursuing an education in nursing was the birth of my children," and then explain why having kids motivated you.

Great advice!