Crisis of confidence at almost 2 years of ICU nursing

[msp234509]

Hey all, I'm really not sure how to articulate everything I'm feeling right now but here goes. I started out as a new grad on a busy mixed Medical-Surgical ICU where it's predominately young new grads and people within in the 2-5 years of experience range, very much a CRNA "puppy mill" if you will. The hours have been long and undesirable; lots of weekends and nights due to the constant 2-year staff turnover. And then there was COVID just past my 6-month mark and you all know how that's been going...I used to feel book smart and I loved all of the critical thinking and the constant learning, now I just feel so lazy and unmotivated compared to how I was. I feel behind in comparison to my peers in both my skills and my confidence; it's also just a very judgemental workplace where I feel I experience snickers and snide comments behind my back. I just learned how to do CRRT and charge nurse, both of which have been somewhat disastrous-- OK, even great when running smoothly but if anything goes awry I panic.

I've sat down with my thoughts and came to the conclusion that I would have a big reevaluation when my contract ends next Winter. But now I feel y confidence has been so horribly shaken and I don't have the bandwidth to talk myself out of my career slump. Any words of advice, is it normal to feel like this with all the "experience" I should have by now?