cost cutting

This one was not written by me and it has been around for a whille but in the spirit of we need more humour in these troubling times I offer it up for a read - ENJOY!

Memo To: All Hospital Staff

From: Administration/Groundskeeper

Subject:New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will be initiating the following cost cutting measures.

Food services will be discontinued. Patients waiting to be fed will need to let their families know to bring in something or may make arrangements with Subway, Pizza Hut or Sizzler etc. before mealtime. Coin operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls patient's wish to make.

Housekeeping and physiotherapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing "range of motion" exercise as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discount on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the "from" line above, Administration is assuming Groundskeeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower or Whipper Snipper.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "Do IT Yourself" series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from Administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Physicians will be informed that they may not order more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required for the "Rabbit" photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. "Rabbit" will also honour competitors coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency situation, so if you come across any coupons, please cut them out and send them to the Accident and Emergency Department.

In light of the extremely hot weather the Electricity Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient's room and staff offices etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital Gift shop.

The hospital will no longer employ a security guard. Each charge nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the Pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the Car Parks. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ICU CNC will be responsible for watching Cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees will be encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting mouldy compost will be utilised by the Pharmacy for the nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics on the "Standard Hospital Drug List".

[KaroSnowQueen, RN]

HEY! Did you get this from MY hospital????? lol

[Sable's mom]

Please don't let this get out - our hospital admin would adopt it in a minute!!!LOL

[Disablednurse]

Sounds like my LTC where I worked.

[OBNURSEHEATHER]

Originally posted by gwenith

As you can see on the "from" line above, Administration is assuming Groundskeeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower or Whipper Snipper.

This one I like!

[RN-PA, RN]

I love this and when someone posted it on allnurses a while back, I printed it and brought it to work. I showed it to a few coworkers who also loved it, hung it in our conference room, but it was removed. I hung another copy and it was removed again. Someone in administration apparently didn't appreciate the humor... Hit a little too close to home, most likely! I think I'll print this one out and try again...

[rebel_red]

The hospital will no longer employ a security guard. Each charge nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the Pharmacy.

Gee Are they really gonna give me gun?

tres