I really need some help. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me what to do, but I want honest feedback and need to hear what you think of this...
So my situation is that I've been accepted to an anesthesia program, and I'm all set to start in August (getting close, I know). Prior to being accepted I spent several years researching the CRNA role & getting the appropriate experience (2.5 years SICU), CCRN & CMC certifications, shadowing, etc.
My problem is that now that I've been accepted and the challenge of applying to programs/anticipation is over...I'm feeling wishy-washy about truly wanting to pursue it and start school. This probably seems like a really odd post to most of you, and quite frankly, I am surprised at myself for feeling this way. I had to take a chem class a pre-req before starting the program (just finished the class), and I HATED being a student again. Hated it. I'm not sure I am driven enough or want this badly enough to give up 2.5 years of my life, time with my husband, friends, and family, and having to delay starting our own family.
Beyond hating the chem course (which I did do well in, if that makes any difference)...I wonder if I'm truly cut out to be a CRNA? Yes, I was very successful while working in the ICU; I consistently got positive feedback from senior nurses and felt competent caring for complex patients (mainly fresh hearts). Even though I regularly participated in them, emergency situations and codes make me feel nervous/anxious. I'm talking heart THUMPING, I feel frozen for a second anxiety (but quickly I MAKE myself get over it and get to work). I recently read a thread on here saying "if you want to run away from the crisis on the unit, anesthesia may not be for you. If you want to run toward it, you'll enjoy anesthesia" or something to that effect. I always feel like I want to run away from the crisis--and would prefer for somebody else to take care of it (although let me be clear that I never actually act this way, but this is how I feel). I am also a soft-spoken, shy person who doesn't like to be the center of attention ever and can get nervous easily. I worry about being in the OR with nasty surgeons and the like (which I know is going to happen).
I shadowed CRNAs multiple times before even applying to programs, and each time, I left the OR excited and I couldn't wait to apply to school. What I love the most about ICU constantly monitoring/assessing/intervening/titrating gtts. This is also what excited me about anesthesia--all the good things about ICU without the code browns and other chaos. But now that it's a reality for me and I'm less than 2 months from starting school...I'm terrified. I don't know if I really want to the one people call when there are emergencies...it scares me that I will be "the one", that I can't just call somebody else for help, it's on me, I'm the end of the line. It will be just me in that OR...gulp.
I know I would be successful as a CRNA; I alway do what has to be done, regardless of how I feel about it. But I don't want to pursue a career that is going to be anxiety provoking for me all the time? I can't tell if I just have cold feet, or if I keep feeling this way because it's the wrong thing for me...Did I pursue this just to prove to myself I could do it, or do I really want this career?
