Bringing work home syndrome.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Mar 6, 2012

Have you considered that your mom may be suffering from anxiety and/or depression? Her work is extremely stressful, and over time she has probably developed some coping mechanisms that are less than healthy. Please, don't judge her....she sounds like she needs help, not condemnation. And if she won't listen to you, ask one of her friends to intervene; chances are, they've noticed her attitude as well.

Mazee · Mar 7, 2012

VivaLasViejas yes ive considered depression and anxiety. the only problem is she seems oblivious towards her actions.yes, everyone i mean the entire family knows how she is. they just accept it and say thats just how she is. my family is a long line of nurses and i see how they are and shes just totally different from them. they dont ever mention anything about work. i know people deal with their stresses in different ways but shes just impossible. ive tried speaking with my aunt to try and talk to her but no help. my aunt and i have tried indirect ways of tryng to help her to maybe relieve some stress but very uncooperative. on her days off we try to take her out like go to the park, shopping, lunch just out with the girls so she can have some fun. but not effective. when u try to be direct with her she gets very deffensive and its like dropping a bomb on hiroshima. very difficult to work with.. i just dont know anymore, i was thinking of maybe speaking with one of her coworkers secretly that is and find out what is going on at work. how she interacts with others and so forth.. do u think thats a good idea?

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Mar 7, 2012

I wouldn't involve co-workers, but if she has any friends outside of work that she trusts, I'd start with them. Does she have any club affiliations, does she attend church? Her pastor or priest could be of help, as could her doctor; unfortunately, family is too close to the situation and she won't listen to you. I know---I didn't listen to mine either when I was going through a crisis with my bipolar disorder a couple of months ago. I had to be slapped upside the head with some consequences from a completely unexpected source before I got help. So I can really empathize with your mom and what she's going through, but also with you because you're an innocent bystander and can't really help her. (((((HUGS))))) to you and your family.

Mazee · Mar 7, 2012

Thank you so much for the support. It truly has been hard over the years and Ive had to face, be put in difficult situations because of this. Some people just thought that either i was being rebellious towards my mother and we just out right not get along. But as years gone by true colors bloomed. Why do something about it now? Well, I am just worried about my daughter, she adores my mother so much i just dont want it to affect her growing up like it had between my brothers and i. Yes, she attends church and is active in prayer groups and meetings. Problem is the people that are involved with the group are still family and friends and they do know the situation but passively handling it. They are afraid that she'll blow a gasket and create tension between everyone. Then she starts thinking that everyone is ganging up on her. A little childish but thats my reality. If you dont mind me asking what made you realize or accept that you indeed had a problem?

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Mar 8, 2012

I'm sorry you've been affected so badly by your mom's issues. :hug:I was inconsistent when my own kids were growing up, and they never really knew what my reactions would be when they messed up---sometimes I'd say "Oh, well, everyone makes mistakes, you'll learn from it" and other times I'd come unspooled. I feel very fortunate that they all still speak to me. :) But the guilt is still there, and that's something I doubt I'll ever get rid of entirely.

As to what made me realize that I had a problem: I got what I call a gang-slap from the professional group I've been part of for a number of years. I was one of several mid-level managers; and while things went well most of the time, about 3-4 years ago some of the upper management noticed that I was becoming somewhat erratic in my approach to problems that people had come to us to solve. Much to their credit, they tried different ways to redirect me and help me succeed; several times I was asked to modify the way I did things, another time I was forced to take a leave of absence for two weeks to "think it over". Then last year I was asked to step down, although I remained a member in good standing. But as smart as I am in some ways, I really never connected the dots until a couple of months ago, when the higher-ups finally got enough of it and issued a formal warning stating that they were putting me on "probation" and that my privileges could be revoked if I continued in the same fashion.

That was like a dash of cold water in my face at o' dark-thirty. At first I was angry and humiliated, and my first reaction was defensive. Bad move. But as the days passed and I began to review the events that had preceded my downfall, I finally "got" what my onetime peers had been seeing, how inconsistent my group work had been and how mercurial my moods were......that's when I knew that they'd been right all along, and that my behaviors had affected every part of my life.

So I've spent the past six weeks adjusting to meds and trying to make it right with my group, as well as repair whatever other damage I've done to my other relationships during this episode. I hope someday that I might be considered for a leadership position again, if I can prove that I can be trusted to remain professional. But even if that doesn't happen, I'll always be grateful to those folks for forcing me to recognize that I really did need help.....I don't know if I'd ever have gotten it if I hadn't been driven to it out of desperation to understand how something that had once been so good had gone SO wrong.

It may be the same with your mom. She may need an "intervention" of sorts, just like I did (although my group leaders probably didn't plan it that way), and if several of her good friends are telling her the same things you've told me, she's going to be angry but at least she will have heard it from more than one or two people at the same time. Sometimes hearing it from a roomful of folks has a lot more credibility with people who are sick of hearing it from their parents, their spouses, their kids. :)