I am seriously doubting if I have the "stuff" to be a nurse anymore. I am reaching out to some wiser, cooler heads to offer some advice on what I need to do next.
I did not fail the class work. In fact, I was one of the best students in my year. I shared my notes with my peers. I tutored a few of them. I will even go so far as to say a couple of times I did everything but carry a classmate on my back to help her pass a module. I am a very bright girl. I always have been "book-smart" and I work hard too. However, I also have ADD.
I have managed to organize the way I learn in the classroom well enough to eliminate it as a problem. In clinicals, I was up and down from week to week. I could never chart on time. I couldn't get any sort of system down to get in and out of the rooms efficiently. I was pulling scraps of paper with random notes out of my pocket every five minutes. My anxiety would be sky high by the end of the shift. I just couldn't progress. I could perform the skills all day long. It was the organization piece that did me in. It was demoralizing to watch all of my peers that took the program so lightly just blaze past me in the clinical environment. I wanted this SO bad.
This has been a crushing experience for me. I mourned like I lost somebody I loved. It took me a week before I could even bear to unpack my book bag. I have the opportunity to return next year and pick up where I left off, but it will be my last shot. My program only allows one reentry. Honestly, I don't know if I SHOULD be a nurse anymore. I don't want to be incompetent or unsafe. I don't want to miss something big because I wasn't on time with my work.
I have never really been in a position where I couldn't pick something up quickly. I have never failed anything in my life. I even miss writing care plans! I just want to try every option I have before I give up. Please offer your advice or ideas. Anything, good or bad would be a help to me right now.
It needs to be said, my clinical instructor was awesome. She was extremely knowledgeable and tried everything she could to make things as non-intimidating as possible. I had already talked myself out of being successful by the time I got to her.
In the end, I was the master of my own fate. I knew it was nobody's "fault" but mine when I failed. I would be wasting a lot of energy on bitterness or blame anyhow. I would not pass me either.
I know my instructors understood I loved the whole nursing process. I loved researching my patients. I loved interviewing them for concept maps. And it should be said I kicked butt in my psychiatric rotation. My analytical and communication skills are my strengths. I want to be a psych nurse so those skills will be in play quite a bit.
Everyone has been so helpful and supportive here, and I want you to know I really appreciate it. It is difficult to explain to a non-nurse how hard school really is. It is even harder to describe why this loss hurts so much. It is nice to hear from people who "get" me. :) Big hugs back to you Ayala :redbeathe
CeCe, you and I have so many things in common! Are you my long lost twin sister? I too want to become a psychiatric nurse.
Add me to list of people who admire you for the way you are handling a very difficult and stressful situation. How many people can be so brave as to honest with themselves?
You are are person of integrity and strong moral fiber. You will be a great nurse.
Thanks :) It is a bit scary to search myself for all of my weaknesses. Thank goodness I have that annoying nursing process hammered into my brain. I've just been applying it to me now.
I never have fallen in love with any other work that I have done. And if you are my twin, I know you feel exactly the same. We are are going to get there.
CeCeInMI
9 Posts
It needs to be said, my clinical instructor was awesome. She was extremely knowledgeable and tried everything she could to make things as non-intimidating as possible. I had already talked myself out of being successful by the time I got to her.
In the end, I was the master of my own fate. I knew it was nobody's "fault" but mine when I failed. I would be wasting a lot of energy on bitterness or blame anyhow. I would not pass me either.
I know my instructors understood I loved the whole nursing process. I loved researching my patients. I loved interviewing them for concept maps. And it should be said I kicked butt in my psychiatric rotation. My analytical and communication skills are my strengths. I want to be a psych nurse so those skills will be in play quite a bit.
Everyone has been so helpful and supportive here, and I want you to know I really appreciate it. It is difficult to explain to a non-nurse how hard school really is. It is even harder to describe why this loss hurts so much. It is nice to hear from people who "get" me. :) Big hugs back to you Ayala :redbeathe