So it's official: after four years of guilt, shame, tears, re-examining life and rebuilding my career from the ground up, I was released from my monitoring contract February 4.
I was commended by my case manager for "exemplary" conduct during my contract, although I did have a rough patch there with missing weekend call-ins that could have resulted in contract extension (but luckily just resulted in a warning).
I'm not going to lie, I'm a little bit terrified at how strong the urges have hit me this week now that I know I don't have to test anymore. But I'm using the skills I've developed in these last four years and I am determined not to let these urges get the best of me. I know they will never go away completely but I think if I can just quell them these first few weeks free and clear of UAs they will become much less torturous.
I wish people in general understood how freaking hard it is to be an addict, or whatever you want to call people like us (I personally cringe at being labeled an "addict," but if the shoe fits...) I have been clean for four years, but there is still this itch burning inside me that screams to be scratched. It will stay there for the rest of my life and jump out at me when I least expect it...and I must never EVER give into it. I wish people knew how painful and difficult it is to fight this. And to fight this forever.
At an AA meeting I went to once an attendee talked about how he thought alcoholics and addicts are really the strongest people there are because of this burden that we have to carry. I keep telling myself that...how strong I am, how okay this is going to be, how I can do this and I will do this.
Congrats! Reading about others successes really gives me the strength to keep going. I applaud your honesty about the continued struggle with the addiction, hopefully as time continues, the itch won't be so itchy.
RNKellie51303
32 Posts
Congrats to you!!!! Hopefully I will be in your shoes one day. When you ever get that urge.......just rewind the tape!!!!!!