Admission Essay. Opinion?

[dacacia]

Hello;

I am a little nervous I am applying to an accelerated nursing program. I have not written a personal statement in a while and feel my skills are rusty, to say the least. I will appreciate any advice/ opinions/ critics of my essay essay below. I tried to discuss why I want to be a nurse, why I would be a good nurse and why i would be succesful at nursing school. Is there anything else i should discuss to further my chances of gaining admission.I am concerned mentioning my past my serve as a hinderance, which is one of the reasons I posted the essay for feedback. However, I feel I really should write about this topic, because it is such a huge part of me. I have explained why my past makes me a great candidate.

Please read and share your opinion. If you still feel it creates alot of doubt, then I will change the direction of my essay.

Thanks so much!!!

A gross self-inflicted tragedy lead to my heart's calling. At the age of fourteen my encounter with medical institutions and professionals forever shaped my life. From ICU to a pediatrics floor to a rehabilitation facility, something consistent no matter what or where, was the invaluable role nurses play in recovery. I was young and scared and the nurses assigned to my case were not only reassuring they treated me with skill and compassion. I realize early on the difference nurses could make in people lives and I've wanted to be one ever since. My innate characteristics, such as compassion, dedication and discipline will contribute to the makings of a successful nursing student and ultimately nurse. My hopes are the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey will serve as a vessel fulfilling my calling.

My turbulent young adult years are marked by abuse, neglect, confusion and pain. At the age of fourteen, I attempted suicide. As a young adult I lacked the tools necessary to understand my reality, and without the proper direction it all became overwhelming for me. I just wanted the pain to end. My attempted suicide is a horrible occurrence, however, I know I could not be who I am today without this event, MY life-changing event. I could apply caution and not discuss in this essay what many would concede to be my weakest moment which would forever create doubt in the minds of many, my level of strength to endure life's misfortune's and even in your mind- whether or not I possess the skills necessary to endure the rigors of nursing school? However, I have chosen to disregard such advice because this is what makes me-me and one day an outstanding nurse.

Contrary to what people believe, I AM STRONG, I am strong because I have endured. My attempted suicide was not the worst thing to happen to me by far, but I learned from it, no matter what- life goes on and so will I. I can overcome anything because I have overcome tragedies some people are fortunate enough to live a whole life without encountering.

My miraculous recovery from my suicide attempt instilled in me a purpose of something greater than myself. I have survived in order to touch the lives of many. I am sure I can be very successful at many different careers, however my heart has called me to the field of nursing. I know the career I have chosen is physically and emotionally draining and often does not get the credit it is due, but I have witness first hand the tremendous impact it can make on the world. I feel a deep and profound respect and responsibility toward people around me, especially regarding my future patients may it be through illness, injury, pain, loss, dying, grieving, growth, aging and even sharing in the joys of birth.

My personal definition of nursing is encompassed within my interactions with the nurses I've encounter along my journey of recovery. A nurse should be loving, compassionate, dependable, competent, empathic, responsible, joyful and comforting (just to name a few). All characteristics I possess, whether they be instinctively or through acquisitions along my personal journey of life.

As a nurse my duties will not be limited to care giver. I will have an obligation to my patients and community by educating prevention medicine and means of maintaining healthy lifestyles.

I am a caring, dedicated and discipline individual, the makings of not only what would be a successful nursing student at your institution but the kind of thing UMDNJ wants to be synonymous for-attributing to the making of commendable nurses everywhere. For there is no better dedication and determination than passion, which will serve as my driving force through nursing school and my career within the field. No sacrifice is too great for achieving my heart's calling especially when I think of the wealth of knowledge I will be gaining in my classes and a career in the aiding of saving of lives, curing ailments, alleviating pain and overall improving patient's quality of life.

A career in nursing would best suit my compassion and innate desire to influence and touch the lives of many people. With the embodiment of UMDNJ mission I know I can become a remarkable nurse within my community. I have passion, discipline and commitment, which will serve as my key to success through nursing school and my career. I look forward with great anticipation to continuing my studies at your fine institution.

[on eagles wings, ASN, RN]

I think you should work on your grammar. Maybe you can take this to an English professor at your school or to one of your current professors. I think that including your experience is good, but I think that you wrote too many details, which could actually distract the reader from the whole point of the essay.

An important thing is to include your thesis in the beginning paragraph, either at the at first or last sentence. This will basically be the basis of your entire essay. Having a teacher/professional read it a few times would be great.

I did that with my admission essay and it really helped because what is the point of writing an important experience if you cannot communicate it properly? I had a lot of good ideas and I made a few rough drafts to showed it to a professor. He gave it a little make over and suggested I use this word instead of that one and so on. Really impressed the judges who read it. :)

[tammy1974]

I think it's a wonderful essay, you are definitely headed in the right direction. However, I also agree you need a little help with grammar. With a little work you will have a superb essay. Good luck to you.