Acknowledging the Sadness of the Holidays

The holidays are supposed to be such a happy time but the reality nurses and patients know is different. The holidays can make sad even sadder. How do we cope?

Acknowledging the Sadness of the Holidays

As soon as October starts the race seems to be on. Gone from store shelves are the school supplies, replaced by Halloween candy and costumes. Thanksgiving brings some pilgrims and turkeys but largely gets shoved aside in favor of CHRISTMAS with a capital C. Spend, spend, spend! Celebrate, indulge! And we are supposed to be happy, merry, joyful, spreading goodwill and cheer everywhere we go!

Now I am no Scrooge. I enjoy the holidays as much as anyone else. I listen to carols, watch all the old Charlie Brown cartoons, happily plan menus, craft gifts and decorate.

As the mother of two, I am a veteran of making Halloween costumes, trick or treating on cold and rainy nights, baking dozens and dozens of cookies, wrapping and hiding gifts, etc., and have mostly enjoyed all of it.

But I am also a veteran of another kind. One of the ones who sat rocking sick babies at the hospital in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve. One of the ones who showed up to change a smelly, puss-soaked dressing in a crowded house reeking of tobacco during Christmas Week. One of the ones who witnessed family members arguing money over the bed of a dying but still very conscious man. One of the ones who heard multiple codes being called over the intercom as I worked in the hospital on New Year’s Day. Severe illness, accidents, shootings, stabbings and death don’t pay attention to the calendar, they just go on as usual. And we witness, along with other medical staff, our patients, their families and loved ones, all the pain they bring.

Poverty doesn’t pay attention to the calendar either. Being poor at Christmastime really sucks. All that excess in the faces of the impoverished, reminding them of everything they don’t have, especially if they don’t even have the basics.

So how do we handle this? How do we take good care of ourselves and our patients?

First, acknowledge that no, we can’t get rid of the sadness that is the flipside of holiday hype, but we can comfort both ourselves and others. We don’t have to be happy, just maybe be neutral for the minute, hour or day instead of sad. If sadness and anguish are inevitable, do what is needed.

Whatever the Christmas season means to you, celebrate it. Whether it is the birth of Jesus, Hannukkah, Kwanzaa, the Winter solstice or another holiday, mark it with a ritual. Light candles, gather some greenery, walk in the woods, walk a labyrinth, go to church. Pray, meditate.

Don’t go over the top with celebrating. Keeping things fairly modest reminds us of those who have less and gives them some dignity. Giving to reputable charities, even if it is not much, helps too.

Don’t spend more than you can afford. This prevents major headaches and sadness later on when the bills come in. Do something for someone on your list rather than buy them a gift, they may actually appreciate that more.

Count your blessings and remind others, including patients, to do the same. Do this one over and over!

Be good to yourself. Relax when you can, get enough sleep, get outdoors. Watch the Winter sunsets. Note the shape of trees now that the leaves are down- they are beautiful!

The most gratifying gifting I have ever participated in is joining with other coworkers to help a patient or family with a serious need. Sadly, they are easy to find.

Don’t forget your sense of humor! Never forget your sense of humor! Humor is a key tool to surviving in the nursing profession. Gag gifts can help, too.

And lastly, don’t forget the hope of miracles. They do happen sometimes, just when we least expect them. Miracles don’t pay attention to the calendar either but they bring true joy.    

                                           

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Yvonne Hosey

About Yvonne Hosey

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Also whether it's patients, friends, family, acquaintances I try to remember that the holidays are not all cheer for a variety of different individual reasons. Painful memories, experiencing the holidays without loved ones recently lost, broken relationships, being alone/missing the company of others, facing a personal hardship, etc. And just having a less-joyful experience than others appear to be having during the holidays can be emotionally isolating and cause it's own pain.

Sometimes it's hard to know how to navigate when we don't know what exact background situation we are encountering or, if we do know, we still may not be sure what the situation means to that person or how they have processed it. So...in my mind it's best to just be kind, pay attention (to people's expressions/demeanors) and do our best at our role in the relationship. If it's a patient, providing the best nursing care you can. If it's a friend, be a good friend. Family member, same. Etc.

Even just reminding oneself that the holidays are not the same for everyone helps us to be more open to seeing how we can care for others in a positive way.

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