A nurse but not hospice or geriatric nurse

[imenid37]

My mother is at the end of life. This isn't a question about her or a medical question. For some background: She lives 4 hours away. I go to see her once a week. For the past 4-5 years, when she was well, she would be "too busy" to talk to me for months and then she'd call every week or so again. I am not close with her or my dad, but we are civil and I am willing to help them. They are from another country so part of it is cultural. Even for their culture, they are very closed people.

Her condition has changed and it won't be long before she is gone. I am understandably sad, but not crying all of the time or anything. I just feel like life is sort of on hold. for example, I have a school project to do, but I can't finish it. Is this the way it goes for family members with end of life? It is a feeling of being lost or suspended. They no longer have a faith or belief in God. I find this is really bothering me, but not anything I can control.

I do not know what to do about my dad. I can't move where he lives due to my job and other family members. I know he wishes I could. Every day I wonder if it will be the day or if we have a while yet. She still has urine, etc but her condition is such that it could be a sudden or gradual decompensation. My sister has physical and psych issues. She tells me she cannot deal with this or that, blah,blah, blah. She is really not helpful emotionally, physically, or financially. A lot of that is not her fault, but it is another difficult issue thrown in with the whole. I do not really do a lot for them, but I am tired all of the time. I still go to work as usual, but am not at the top of my game.

Over the years, I have met many unclose families. It causes complications at the beginning of life and it doesn't seem to make things much easier at the end. My mother lives at home and has an NA caring for her most of the day. This person is very good. I am not sure what will happen after to my dad or my mom is gone. He is elderly and in his late 80's. I know he will miss the caregiver, but she works with people who need basic nursing care, not with independent elderly. One of the things I would like to do is to give something nice to her. I know my dad won't admit it, but he will miss her. She works for an agency. My dad does pay her, so I do not think he will give her a gift. What is appropriate?

[Kittypower123, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry that your mom is ill. You are going through a difficult time and difficulty in many aspects of life is not unusual. If your mom is not already on hospice, I would recommend getting hospice involved. They will have social workers and chaplains available to help your whole family with your mom's care as well as all the spiritual and emotional needs that accompany the passing of a loved one. They can also help with resources. Hospice can do a lot to help you and your family through this difficult time. Hope you find the help you need.

[amoLucia]

Please accept my sympathy for your troubles. I'll hold some good thoughts & wishes out for you.

I believe the emotional roller coaster that you're on is called 'anticipatory grieving'. It goes back to the work of folk like Kubler-Ross and grief & grieving theories. As you can understand, it begins when an imminent loss is about to occur, like your Mom's passing, and in your case, it is compounded by your worries for your Dad, your sister, and all the worrisome sequellae that's happening now and in the future.

I don't do psych but it sounds like you're experiencing some depression. All I can recommend is that you take care of yourself and see your PMP for help as nec The suggestion for hospice is a good one but I imagine that your Dad might be a bit resistive to being overwhelmed by the cadre of providers that become involved with hospice (it's a cultural thing).

As for the caregiver, she is agency, so there might be a problem to try & hire her independently for say, an hours & half twice a week.

Just for a some companionship and a simple chore or two. And she could be your informant.

For a gift, I suggest a nice watch. They're considered impersonal enough but it would have the meaning attached to it 'for the time she was close to your family'. It needn't be expensive but not a cheapo Timex. Just to express your appreciation.

Good luck.

[AussiePupOwner]

I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. As a former poster mentioned, it may be a good time to get hospice involved so that more support may be provided for your family. Please take care of yourself also. Even if one has not been "close" with a parent, their death may still be painful. Don't hesitate to seek guidance for your own feelings and needs throughout this ordeal as well. Take care.