Traumatized, but still believe in Quality & Safety

Idealistic new grad in 1992.
I worked Med-Surg, ED, you name it. Worked in clinics with a variety of patient/clients.
I was inspired to become a nurse as I gave birth to my son. A Labor and Delivery nurse. That was what I passionately wanted to be.
And during my BSN I started learning and working Labor and delivery (L/D). Firm believer in teamwork. Firm believer in supporting new nurses. I was one of the best and could get along with any grumpy Doc. Always ran to emergencies.
Several years later I, who needed 8-5 hours, worked in 'Quality Improvement' and then 'Risk Management'. I was always 'swimming' upstream. MD peer review was all for show.
I saw things that horrified me. 'Processes'. And patients deaths which could have been prevented. I was fired for reporting a death. I did get another job in L/D but I had changed.
I cried throughout my orientation (Nurses smell that fear) and I was terrified to run to the emergency.
Three years later, I was so traumatized by what I learned and witnessed, I had to leave the profession. Am on disability due to health issues and I am only 43. I miss Labor so much. I want the courage I used to have.
I went online, to BRN: Only support is diversion???!!! I have nightmares about newborns dying in ED........