Dear Fellow Applicants,
I was wondering if anyone could create my personal statement before i submit it this week. I have had it critiqued by several faculty including a FNP. My number one school is northeastern.
There have been many incidents in my life where it seemed I spent hours sitting by a hospital bed, or in a bedroom. My mother, a Registered Nurse, has been battling Addison's Disease for all my life. This is a long-term illness where, as a compassionate son, I assumed command in trying to help her in anyway possible. As I sat there striving to increase her spirits as she did for me throughout my school-aged years, I realized there was no higher personal reward than caring for others. During frequent hospital and in-home visits, I was constantly watching and admiring a specific group of health professionals, the nurses. Being exposed to many caring nurses, and watching how they interacted with my mother and my family has motivated me to seek a career in nursing. I believe there are very few truly inspirational career paths and that is why I chose to pursue a second degree in nursing. This decision is one of personal development, which I did not become conscious of until recently. By age twelve, I learned how to administer insulin for my mother when she couldn't fix her bandages, assisted in her activities of daily living, and helped her sort medication for the week. These tasks seemed ingrained in my function as a teenager. I loved caring for my mother immensely and never wanted to leave her side. I felt as if leaving her helpless would lead to her passing. I realize now that these experiences were a lot of responsibility for an early adolescent. In fact, it was difficult for me to leave her after high school to attend college. However, I did go away to school and fought through a very strenuous first year. With support from faculty and student services at the University of Tampa, I was successful in obtaining a bachelor's degree in Political Science. I was honored to be nominated by peers and faculty and named president of the National Political Honors Society. Academically, I never obtained less than a B+ in any academic major class. Although I did well as an undergraduate student, I did not feel that a career in law was a good fit for me. I began a life-altering struggle to find a career path that I knew was the right one. Working as a volunteer at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for the past several months has changed the very core of what my career choice shall be. Prior to this, I served as a clinical research assitant under the supervision of MD Thomas Morgan for several years in and out of leaving for school. In this role I was able to engage in patient interaction within his private practice and learned crucial ways to assess mental health and communicate with patients. I ran the front desk of the office scheduling appointments, prepping patient files and documents, and assisted him on clinical research as well as legal issues with my prior degree. Through both of these extraordinary opportunities in health practices, I have been influenced greatly. Particularly, Dana-Farber has been of great importance to my career decisions. I chose the volunteer role "Book Cart/ Caretaker." The role is to interact with patients on a weekly basis, and to help them develop interests, which may distract them from their suffering. As I meet people through this volunteer experience, I realize that many of the issues that I have been concerned about are minuscule in comparison to the patients at Dana-Farber. To help them discover what they enjoy reading is comforting for both the patient as well as myself. In being able to establish and learn their interests, I have also developed a deeper understanding for the amazing lives these patients lived outside the hospital. It also has given me a more meaningful inspiration to devote my life to others rather than myself. Seeing these patients even just on a once-a-week basis changed my entire outlook on life. I enjoy the opportunity to help people during crisis, as I once did with my own mother. These are all characteristics I believe a nurse should possess. With these qualities under my belt, I believe I will make a wonderful nurse. Lucas Clarke is a young cousin of mine. He loved to play like every other kid and enjoyed taking care of his families' farm animals. I taught him how to play the guitar, which he further came to enjoy greatly. After discovering he had leukemia, he went from an amazingly happy young boy displaying no symptoms to a saddened child with advanced cancer. He passed away on March 22, 2011. Witnessing the care and determination displayed by the nurses caring for him was astounding. This was the largest impact on me. It not only made me realize again the importance of nursing, but also made me realize my desire for a career in nursing. I hope to specialize in pediatrics, or psychiatric mental health focusing on child care. Children have always played a major importance to me, and the construct of what I believe is a crucial period of one's life. I have always been involved with children, from sponsoring and running walks for the Down Syndrome Society for my nephew, to raising money for multiple organizations for unfortunate children. A significant role in my life is designated to giving back to the community. Since I have become aware of this newfound calling, I have devoted all of my time, financial savings and resources on obtaining a second degree in nursing. I have taken many of the prerequisite classes needed since my previous degree was entirely different from a health profession. Not once have I regretted this life-changing decision. I have been moved by this newfound path and my motivation is greater than ever. I know that there are still many obstacles to come, but my desire and commitment to the field of nursing will allow me to overcome those hurdles. Maintaining a stable and passionate attitude through the advancement of your program is the best defense. I feel that my prior education, working development, overcoming personal struggles and especially my hands-on experiences as a volunteer, has given me the drive, work ethic, and knowledge to successfully proceed through your Online Direct-Entry Nursing Program.
Jan 9, '13
Too personal. Too long. Too verbose. Cut 2/3 of it, and emphasize more about new ideas you can bring to the field and how that will help other people. They want to hear more about ambition and what kind of innovation you can offer the field instead of a sentimental sob story about your past. It's helpful to give background info about your motivation, but continuing education is about the future, not the past. Focus more on that and balance it out in a concise way.
Also, learn the science of carriage return and indentation.
Jan 9, '13
Agreed with the above comment. Your personal statement should tell the admission committee something about you that isn't on your application. Also, it doesn't flow very well. For example, "These are all characteristics I believe a nurse should possess. With these qualities under my belt, I believe I will make a wonderful nurse. Lucas Clarke is a young cousin of mine." There are also some misspellings, grammatical errors, and slang (preparing, not prepping).