Post your jokes here...

Nurses Humor

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O.k, for some reason I've been spammed lately with a "joke-a-day" e-mail, and for once I've decided to not block them. I'll post the jokes I get. I'm not responsible if they're lousy! :)

Feel free to add your own. Maybe we can cheer up the whole website! :)

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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Also found this on the net today:

What do peeps do in the off-season? (see pic)

Specializes in ICU.

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife

Here's the one I got today:

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We had been going crazy with a new copying machine that seemed to gobble paper like a piranha and needed repair almost every day. In addition, a large sign proclaimed: "Only qualified key operators are allowed to open machine. Please call one of the persons listed."

These people were very difficult to find at crucial moments, so someone scrawled on the sign: "Jammed if you do-and jammed if you don't."

Here's the one I got today:

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We had been going crazy with a new copying machine that seemed to gobble paper like a piranha and needed repair almost every day. In addition, a large sign proclaimed: "Only qualified key operators are allowed to open machine. Please call one of the persons listed."

These people were very difficult to find at crucial moments, so someone scrawled on the sign: "Jammed if you do-and jammed if you don't."

Specializes in ICU.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his

sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the

druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the

phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to

confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the

druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my

side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so

I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,

just to realize that I locked the house with both house

and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my

keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding

ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I

had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there

was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got

the store opened and started waiting on these people,

and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the

hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels

against the cash register drawer to make change, and

they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands

and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still

ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash

drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase

with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit

the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still

ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer

it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal

thermometer...and believe me, Mister, I told her!"

Specializes in ICU.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his

sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the

druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the

phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to

confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the

druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my

side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so

I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,

just to realize that I locked the house with both house

and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my

keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding

ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I

had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there

was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got

the store opened and started waiting on these people,

and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the

hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels

against the cash register drawer to make change, and

they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands

and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still

ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash

drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase

with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit

the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still

ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer

it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal

thermometer...and believe me, Mister, I told her!"

LOL! Good one!

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Children's Letters To God:

God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it

an accident? --Norma

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why

don't You just keep the ones You have now? -- Jane

Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nan

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is

that okay? -- Neil

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had

everything. -- Jane

Did you really mean "Do unto others as they do unto you"?

Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -- Darla

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a

puppy. -- Joyce

LOL! Good one!

-----------------

Children's Letters To God:

God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it

an accident? --Norma

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why

don't You just keep the ones You have now? -- Jane

Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nan

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is

that okay? -- Neil

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had

everything. -- Jane

Did you really mean "Do unto others as they do unto you"?

Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -- Darla

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a

puppy. -- Joyce

Here's today's:

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" :) :)

Specializes in ICU.

NAVAJO MESSAGE

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some

astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in

Arizona.....

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came

across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked

a question which his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the

crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The

old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to

the Moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the

NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his

message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the

NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of

the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the

Elder's message to the Moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government

translator....!

He reported that the Moon message said.........

"Watch out for these a__holes, they have come to steal your

land."

Everything is in the picture...

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