Post your jokes here...

  1. O.k, for some reason I've been spammed lately with a "joke-a-day" e-mail, and for once I've decided to not block them. I'll post the jokes I get. I'm not responsible if they're lousy!

    Feel free to add your own. Maybe we can cheer up the whole website!

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    It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

    A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

    "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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  2. 21 Comments

  3. by   Tilleycs
    Also found this on the net today:

    What do peeps do in the off-season? (see pic)
    Attached Images off-season-peeps-
  4. by   gwenith
    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    "The funeral director," said his wife
  5. by   Tilleycs
    Here's the one I got today:

    --------------------

    We had been going crazy with a new copying machine that seemed to gobble paper like a piranha and needed repair almost every day. In addition, a large sign proclaimed: "Only qualified key operators are allowed to open machine. Please call one of the persons listed."

    These people were very difficult to find at crucial moments, so someone scrawled on the sign: "Jammed if you do-and jammed if you don't."
  6. by   gwenith
    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
    sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the
    druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the
    phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to
    confront the druggist and demand an apology.
    Before he could say more than a word or two, the
    druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my
    side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
    I was late getting up.

    I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
    just to realize that I locked the house with both house
    and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my
    keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
    ticket.

    Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I
    had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there
    was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got
    the store opened and started waiting on these people,
    and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the
    hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
    against the cash register drawer to make change, and
    they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands
    and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still
    ringing.

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
    drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
    with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit
    the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still
    ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer
    it.

    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
    thermometer...and believe me, Mister, I told her!"
  7. by   Tilleycs
    LOL! Good one!

    -----------------

    Children's Letters To God:

    God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it
    an accident? --Norma

    Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why
    don't You just keep the ones You have now? -- Jane

    Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nan

    I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is
    that okay? -- Neil

    What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had
    everything. -- Jane

    Did you really mean "Do unto others as they do unto you"?
    Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -- Darla

    Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
    puppy. -- Joyce
  8. by   Tilleycs
    Here's today's:

    The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

    I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

    The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
  9. by   gwenith
    NAVAJO MESSAGE

    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some
    astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in
    Arizona.....

    One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came
    across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked
    a question which his son translated.

    "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the
    crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The
    old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to
    the Moon with the astronauts.

    Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the
    NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his
    message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the
    NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of
    the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the
    Elder's message to the Moon.

    Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government
    translator....!

    He reported that the Moon message said.........

    "Watch out for these a__holes, they have come to steal your
    land."
  10. by   Tilleycs
    Everything is in the picture...
    Attached Images woman-parking-jpg
  11. by   Tilleycs
    And another...
    Attached Images plane-crossing-jpg
  12. by   Tilleycs
    A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

    When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

    The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."
  13. by   gwenith
    warning! the following joke conatins a bad pun!
    it was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. all the inmates were standing in thecourtyard singing "ave maria", and singing it beautifully. oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

    a visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "i am a retired choir director," he said. "this is one of the best choirs i have ever heard."

    "yes, i'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

    "you should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

    "surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.

    "they are the moron tapanapple choir. "
  14. by   ThirdWorldGirl
    Three little pigs go out to eat, the waiter comes to the table and asks what they would like to drink.... first pig says "Coke", second pig says "iced tea", third pig says "water, lots of water, water".

    Waiter comes back to take their orders.... first pig "cheeseburger", second pig "chicken fried steak", third pig "water, lots of water, water".

    Waiter comes back to see if they want dessert.... first pig "apple pie", second pig "chocolate cake", third pig "water, lots of water, water".

    Waiter says "I'm just wondering why your friends are having a meal and all you're having is water?"

    Pig replies "Well somebody has to go wee wee wee all the way home"!

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