Men Never Listen!

Jood · Nov 17, 2001

That one really made me laugh! I have had to add these to the list. I hope no men out there take it too personally.

All About Men

He said....Want a quickie?

She said....As opposed to what?

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've nothing to put in it.

She said....You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....If you could only learn to cook a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.

She said....Darling, if you could only learn to satisfy me properly..

We could do without the gardener too.

He said....Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks and not your brains?

She said....Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said....Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said....I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said....That's a good idea.. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

nana kathy · Nov 18, 2001

Originally posted by Jood
That one really made me laugh! I have had to add these to the list. I hope no men out there take it too personally.

All About Men

He said....Want a quickie?
She said....As opposed to what?

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've nothing to put in it.
She said....You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....If you could only learn to cook a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said....Darling, if you could only learn to satisfy me properly..
We could do without the gardener too.

He said....Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks and not your brains?
She said....Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said....Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said....I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said....That's a good idea.. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

ILMAO at this one..... Great one Jood....... Had to read it twice to make sure I saw through my tears of laughter..................See Ya

betts · Nov 18, 2001

1.Why do men prefer blondes?

Men always like intellectual company.

2.Why do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

3.A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

4.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

5.What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to work it.

B. Penicillin

6.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

7.Why don't men have mid-life crisis?

They stay stuck in adolescence.

8.How does a man show he's planning for the Future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

9.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?

All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

10.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk.

11.Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

12.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

13.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A.A dog is always happy to see you

B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

14.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

15.Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

16.What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

17.What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

18.What did God say after creating man?

I can do better.

19.Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

20.Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

21.What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man's undivided attention.

22.How is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

23.What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

24.Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

25.If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in

convenience stores and drive-through windows.

26.Why do men name their memberes?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

27.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because they already have boyfriends.

28.Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?

He had it bronzed.

29.Why do men like masturbation?

Its sex with someone they love.

30.How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

31.What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

32.Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

33.What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

34.How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

35.What is a man's view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

36.How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

37.Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

38.Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

39.Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

40.Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?

To keep the swelling down.

41.What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."?

42.How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?

A. One - men will screw anything.

B.One - men will screw up anything.

C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

43.How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

44.What is a man's idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

45.How can you tell if a man is aroused?

He's breathing.

46.What's the difference between men and government bonds?

Bonds mature.

47.How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

48.What do men and beer have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

49.How can you tell if a man is happy?

Who cares?

50.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Who knows? - did it ever happen??

51.How are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

52.What is a man's idea of doing housework?

Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

53.What is the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

54.What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack.

55.Do you know why bankers are good lovers?

They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

56.Why are men like laxatives?

They can irritate the shit out of you.

57.Do you know why men have holes in the end of their memberes?

So oxygen can get into their brains

58.How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes

59.Why is it good that there are women astronauts?

So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

60.How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini

61.Why do men like blonde jokes so much?

Because they can understand them

62.What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind.

2. No business.

63.Why is a woman different from a PC?

A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

64.Why is a man different from a PC?

You only have to tell the PC once

65.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?

Exchange him.

66.Why do bachelors like smart women?

Opposites Attract.

67.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

68.Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the memberes off the smart ones.

69.What is that insensitive bit at the base of the member called?

The man.

70.Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

71.What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

72.What do a privy parts, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

73.Why are men like commercials?

You can't believe a word they say.

74.Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

75.Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

76.Adam too GOD; "GOD,why did you make woman so beautiful"?

GOD too Adam; "So that you would like them".

Adam too GOD; "Why did you make woman so stupid"?

GOD too Adam; "So they would like you".

nana kathy · Nov 18, 2001

Good one betts..... Too bad most are true...............

jayna, RN · Nov 21, 2001

these are great!! :D

Jood · Nov 21, 2001

Oh nice one Betts, had to copy some of those to share with my likeminded and long-suffering girl friends. Keep 'em coming! I have some excellent ones about us that my other half sent me, will try to locate them and post them soon. If we laugh at others less fortunate than ourselves then we should be able to laugh at ourselves.

This thread is good for my soul! :D

justanurse · Nov 21, 2001

But my hubby didn't. What's he know, he's a man.

roden58 · Mar 20, 2002

Sorry, did you say something??

roden58 · Mar 20, 2002

PS. I'm male and loved them...

micro, RN · Mar 20, 2002

cracked me up.............but i am easily cracked................LMAOOOOO

donmurray · Mar 21, 2002

Re. #59 The reason that the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years was that even back then, men would never stop and ask for directions!