MEMORANDUM *This darn near had me rolling on the floor* THIS IS TOO FUNNY!!!!!

  1. Addendum to the employee handbook.

    TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

    SICKNESS:

    No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    AN OPERATION:

    We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

    DEATH:

    Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

    Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

    ALSO:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

    We appreciate your cooperation,

    THE MANAGEMENT
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  2. 15 Comments

  3. by   Nurse Izzy
    Too good! Too good!
  4. by   ShortFuse_LPN
    Wow Mandi, how did you get ahold of my employee hanfbook??? :roll
  5. by   J-RN student
    :chuckle :roll :chuckle
  6. by   MomNRN
    Somebody sent me a longer version of that. It is very funny. I will have to see if I can find it.
  7. by   colleen10
    This is funny and yet so sad.

    I actually work there!

    My boss didn't want me to leave to go to my step-mother's father's funeral, whom, I really was pretty close with.

    Finally, after him badgering me, I told him I would just take off the morning to go to the funeral, but I wasn't allowed to go to the wake. After the funeral I just couldn't go back to work, he was a veteran and it was a very emotional burial so when I was at the wake my husband said he would call into work to tell them that I was in no condition to come in and they yelled at him!

    I'm sure my pap pap Bill is up there with his Air Force buddies and some bottles of whiskey giving my boss the finger!
  8. by   tattooednursie
    I bet he is giving him the finger! I would too!

    I'm glad my facility is not like that. I came down with pneumonia, and my doctors note said, whenever I feel better I can come back. Well my boss kindly said "We'll have your shifts covered until the 31st, you'd probably be better by then. Get well soon!" I am already feeling better, but I still get 2 more days! or facility is not aquedatly staffed either. It was great having them being so nice about it.
  9. by   laurako
    OK I have the longer version, inluding taxes. It is great.

    SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
    able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
    your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
    To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    FUNERAL LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
    friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
    non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
    involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
    afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done
    enough to keep the job going in your absence.

    YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
    notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we
    will! follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
    those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose
    names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable
    to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when
    your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
    with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in
    writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
    stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet
    paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    PAYCHECK GUIDE:
    The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
    understand their paychecks:

    Item Amount
    Gross pay $1,212.02
    Income tax $244.40
    Outgo tax $45.21
    State tax $11.61
    Interstate tax $61.10
    County tax $6.11
    City tax $12.22
    Rural tax $4.44
    Back tax $1.91
    Front tax $1.16
    Side tax $1.61
    Up tax $2.24
    Tic-Tacs $2.98
    Thumbtacks $3.93
    Carpet tacks $1.98
    Stadium tax $2.69
    Flat tax $8.32
    Surtax $3.46
    Corporate tax $2.60
    Parking fee $7.00
    FICA $81.88
    TGIF Fund $9.95
    Life insurance $7.85
    Health insurance $17.23
    Dental insurance $5.50
    Mental insurance $5.33
    Disability $3.50
    Ability $1.25
    Liability $3.41
    Unreliability $10.99
    Coffee $16.85
    Coffee Cups $66.51
    Floor rental $16.85
    Chair rental $1.32
    Desk rental $14.32
    Union dues $25.85
    Union don'ts $3.77
    Cash advance $0.69
    Cash retreats $121.35
    Overtime $1.26
    Under time $54.83
    Eastern time $9.00
    Central time $8.00
    Mountain time $7.00
    Pacific time $6.00
    Time Out $12.21
    Oxygen $10.02
    Water $16.54
    Heat $51.42
    Cool air $26.83
    Hot air $28.13
    Miscellaneous $113.29
    Sundry $14.09
    Various $8.01

    Net Take Home Pay $6.02

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
    employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
    frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
    accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed
    elsewhere.

    Have a nice week.

    Your Boss
  10. by   tattooednursie
    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i love that one even better! Especially the bathroom part. I can just see the stall doors fly open. lol
  11. by   dv8rn
    And as always, anything I can do to make your stay here more pleasurable, please don't hesitate to ask. We want to grow with the company, be team players and climb that corporate ladder of success!!!!!! Bleeeeccckk kacyk!! oh, scuse me pardona my mistake. I have to copy that for the next employee manual! LOL
  12. by   Vailgang
    I just told my office manager that I was tired of the front office staff missing so many hours and would like a policy implemented soon. I gave her a copy of this policy. :0)
  13. by   nursedawn67
    Wow did you get into my work place handbook?!??! LOL
  14. by   tattooednursie
    Originally posted by greer128
    Wow did you get into my work place handbook?!??! LOL
    I have my evil ways

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