69 Wisdoms and Axiums for modern life

1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

3) Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.

4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5) He who hesitates is probably right.

6) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

8) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9) Two wrongs are only the beginning.

10) Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.

11) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have for catching up.

12) A clear consciense is usually the sign of a bad memory.

13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

15) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

16) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

17) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

18) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

19) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

21) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

22) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

23) The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

24) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

25) The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

26) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

27) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

28) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

29) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

30) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

31) Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.

32) A fool and his money are soon partying.

33) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

34) Money can't buy love But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

35) Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

36) Always try to be modest ... And be damn proud of it!

37) If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.

38) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

39) Everybody repeat after me "We are all individuals."

40) Chastity is curable, if detected early.

41) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

42) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

43) Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of checks.

44) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

45) Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

46) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

47) Half the people you know are below average.

48) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

49) 427.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

50) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

51) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

52) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

53) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

54) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

55) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

56) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

57) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

58) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

59) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

60) He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

61) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

62) I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

63) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

64) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

65) Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.

66) War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

67) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

68) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

69) Do unto others, then run ............