I Hate Being Bipolar. It's AWESOME! - page 5

by VivaLasViejas Guide

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We've been talking a lot about mental illness during this early part of May, which has been designated as Mental Health Awareness Month. Nurses and students with all sorts of psychiatric conditions have been coming "out of the... Read More


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    Quote from VivaLasViejas
    I am still thinking about it, but I do a lot of waffling these days. I'm not sure which way to go. It doesn't help that I'm smack in the middle of a horrible mixed mood episode......I don't feel particularly confident about any decisions I might make right now.

    Gotta love these mixed states---too weepy and miserable to be manic, too energetic and productive to be depressed. Bleah.
    Ugh, mixed states are the worst. I hope you feel better soon. I just got out of one myself.
    VivaLasViejas likes this.
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    Been much better the past 2-3 days......at least the crying jags have stopped! LOL

    I'm regaining a sense of control now. I've begun my job search in earnest, done everything the Employment Development people have asked of me, and am finding a few positions I can actually imagine myself doing without turning into jelly. I've had to accept the fact that part-time hourly or even PRN work will be better for me than a (supposedly) 40-hr. week with 24/7/365 on-call status, even though I'll almost certainly lose a lot in salary and benefits. Never being able to totally leave work AT work, even on vacation, took its toll, and I'm not going there again if I can help it.
    poppycat likes this.
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    Well, now that wasn't embarrassing or anything .....I've been dealing with the Employment Division most of this afternoon, and as much as I didn't want to, I laid it all out on the line about why I lost my job. The last thing I ever wanted to do was discuss my illness with the government, but there was no other option---I need those benefits just to keep treading water.

    It does seem that I'm eligible for UI even though I can no longer do some types of jobs, and should be drawing benefits soon unless my former employer wants to make a stink, which they haven't so far. The adjudicator couldn't tell me that he was going to award me benefits, but he did say I was eligible and that there would be a decision soon.... probably by the end of this week. And the intake lady I talked to at the office today said "Wow, they fired you for being SICK?!"

    Nice to feel like I have some powers-that-be on my side for a change. I had another mini-meltdown last night, told my husband I felt like going off my meds because I thought they were making me worse instead of fixing me, and cried because my short-term memory is crap and I can't seem to organize my thoughts. Of course, in the light of day all this seemed rather silly, so I had to apologize to DH for talking crazy and worrying him ("Don't you @#*&%!^ even THINK about stopping those meds!!" were the first words out of his mouth when I went on my little rant.) Heck, I never worry anymore because he worries enough for the both of us!
    poppycat likes this.
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    Marla, I have faith that you'll get through this okay.
    VivaLasViejas likes this.
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    I appreciate that. I go back and forth between hope and despair; the job market for nurses in my area is almost nonexistent, and I'm even looking outside of nursing at jobs that at least pay more than minimum wage, knowing that it will mean losing the house we've lived in for over 10 years. The picture dims even more because I won't even apply for jobs that require a physical exam; it's too risky to let a potential employer know about my psych history. I've been burned badly, and my career may never recover as it is.


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