Let me just say that I am 24 years of age, which is relatively young. I first noticed something was wrong with me when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I suffered alone, though, because I had no idea what it was and my parents didn't think anything of it. Long story short, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety disorder at age 16.
That's a lot of disorder for a 16 year old and I was terrified. I had no idea what any of that meant and I was more than a little concerned. Once explained, the problem was that I didn't want to stay on medication. After a certain amount of time, I assumed I was "better" because I felt better. After a few more visits, my doctors would phase me off of them.
The thing is, sometimes I'll wake up and just be super happy. I'll have so much energy and feel like I can do anything. I'll be excited and looking forward to my future, thinking that everything was going to be fluffy bunnies and rainbows. I'd do all this work, clean, organize everything, and literally love life.
The extreme difference in my thought process and emotions used to freak me out because I couldn't understand why I was suddenly happy and believing everything was golden when just yesterday I couldn't get out of bed.
I started realizing the pattern, though, and know these happy days never last, so when they come along I enjoy them. It's a welcome relief from the pain, never-ending negative thoughts, and sporadic mood swings.
I try so hard to stay positive and stable. I thought once I found out what I wanted to do with my life and placed myself in a healthier environment, I would be alright. I was so happy and excited to be starting nursing school.
I had finally found my place.
I love my classes, I'm soaking up as much knowledge as I can, and it's just fun. It's a lot of work, but I love it. It's so interesting and amazing and I was hoping everything was going to work this time.
Only it all started to fall apart again, just like it always does. I sink down into this big black hole, and it's unbelievably dark. I can't function or concentrate on anything. I don't eat, I can't sleep. I just lie in bed in sort of a coma, for lack of a better word. I feel so worthless and hopeless.
I don't understand it, either, because I was just doing well the other day, happy as a clam, and suddenly it's all gone. I can't even remember what it felt like to be okay.
Now I'm struggling just to get my assignments in on time. I don't even want to think about what grades I'll be getting because I'm pretty sure I'm incoherent in most of my answers and explanations. I don't want to ruin this for myself because I know getting kicked out of nursing school would make me feel even worse and send me deeper down. I just don't get it.
I've made positive changes that make me happy and I'm still battling the same issues. I'm considering going back on medication and hopefully finding a proper combination and dosage so I can focus and concentrate on my classes again.
I'm terrified these disorders are going to ruin my life. I feel completely out of control.
My emotions and moods have a mind of their own and I just can't get it together. I'm also debating whether or not to try therapy again. I never stick with it, though, because I can never be completely honest with the person, compliments of my severe trust issues. Time will tell, I suppose.
I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had some of the same issues. I'd love advice or to hear what works for you. At this point, I'm willing to try anything and everything I haven't already.
