extreme anxiey...need advice

[banannabag]

I have been having ALOT of anxiety ever since getting into this program. I worry over EVERYTHING. I am paranoid that i will forget to call in for my urine or to send in some paperwork . I am very fearful that I won't survive the next three years with ALL these new obligations in addition to the old obligations I still have such as raising my children and working full time nights and cooking, cleaning, bills, etc.. I also quit smoking 7 months ago when the *!@# hit the fan and i think i regret that decision because smoking a ciggarette would help me deal with all this anxiety, however, I would be a fool to go back to smoking so that is NOT an option. The last time I quit smoking though, my doctor had to prescribe me celexa to help with my anxiety at that time. I think something like that might help me now but I am afraid to talk to my physician about it and get the prescription because it mat cause PNAP/VRP to think I am having difficulty dealing with my recovery or that I may relapse (which is the FARTHEST thing from happening). I just would like some advice on how to go about dealing with this or should I continue to just pray about it and kind of suck-it-up with no intervention or meds?

[banannabag]

Gee Jack, you have an uncanny way of hitting the nail on the head. I was raped at gunpoint 20 some years ago and i know that the only reason i have my sanity is because of my faith. I turned to God after that crises not away from Him. However I still has IBS for some time and panic issues. I have since worked through most of that buisness and am now able to talk about the event some without freaking out. I suppose some of my ETOH and pot abuse correlates to helping me deal or not deal with that (and some other issues in my past) but I know now I have finally come to accept that any abuse of a substance is the beginning of dependance and i am greatful that the Lord has spared me the misery some good people i know have suffered at the expense of dependence. I just have to not forget that prayer is key in keeping me healthy in all aspects of my life and I know that everything will be OK in the end. One day at a time. Oh and BTW I prayed about that blizzard that I was going to have to drive in (which probably would have trigered one heck of a panic attack) and I was cancelled from work that night...God is good!!

[jackstem]

Gee Jack, you have an uncanny way of hitting the nail on the head. I was raped at gunpoint 20 some years ago and i know that the only reason i have my sanity is because of my faith. I turned to God after that crises not away from Him. However I still has IBS for some time and panic issues. I have since worked through most of that buisness and am now able to talk about the event some without freaking out. I suppose some of my ETOH and pot abuse correlates to helping me deal or not deal with that (and some other issues in my past) but I know now I have finally come to accept that any abuse of a substance is the beginning of dependance and i am greatful that the Lord has spared me the misery some good people i know have suffered at the expense of dependence. I just have to not forget that prayer is key in keeping me healthy in all aspects of my life and I know that everything will be OK in the end. One day at a time. Oh and BTW I prayed about that blizzard that I was going to have to drive in (which probably would have trigered one heck of a panic attack) and I was cancelled from work that night...God is good!!

I am so sorry you had to go through that! I hope they caught the guy and put him away for a long time!

Gee Jack, you have an uncanny way of hitting the nail on the head.

That comes from living through all of this fecal material associated with my addiction and having 2 family members dealing with the aftermath of their sexual abuse and the attempts to suppress those memories. I've been attending a variety of programs dealing with sexual/emotional/spiritual abuse in order to become a peer advisor for the Ohio State Association for Nurse Anesthetists.

In one study discussing substance misuse and dependence in female anesthesia providers (SRNA/CRNA/MDA), the drug of choice was propofol (Diprivan). Theoretically, propofol has such a low abuse potential that it's not regulated as a scheduled drug (Amazing how downright stupid some of the "experts" can be when it comes to this disease and the chemicals which are abused). So why is propofol the preferred drug for females in anesthesia? Because they aren't looking to get "high", they want to forget the abuse they've suffered in their life (sexual abuse was by far the leader over physical or emotional/spiritual abuse). They want to "go away". If I can find the article I'll provide the journal name and issue.

Guilt and shame aren't the same thing. Guilt is a normal, HEALTHY emotion. It's the thing that tells us we did SOMETHING wrong and we need to make amends. Shame is an unhealthy emotion. It tells us WE are what's wrong! It also keeps us locked in our addictions. It keeps us from seeking help because we "aren't really worthy" since we're defective. In the addict, the shame comes from believing we are weak, immoral, and selfish (If they loved their family or really wanted to quit they would. Obviously they love their drugs more!). In someone who has been sexually/emotionally/spiritually abused, the shame is associated with the belief they must have done something to cause the abuse. The reality is it's the abusers fault, not the victim's!

The stigma associated with this disease (weak-willed, immoral, "bad" people who could quit if they really wanted to!) also keeps us from seeking help, and prevents those around us from intervening until our actions can no longer be ignored (if we intervene the person might be arrested or lose their license, or they might sue me for defamation of character or slander). All this does is allow the disease to progress. As health care professionals we ALL know the sooner you recognize and treat a disease the better the chance of successful treatment and long term remission. Yet we wait until the addict's actions can no longer be ignored (diverting drugs from work, DUI, domestic violence, other criminal activities, accidental OD, etc.) before intervening.

Once we do intervene, we treat them with less than effective methods, which is usually related to insurance companies, medicare or medicaid limiting the length of treatment and/or the number of times they will cover treatment. Imagine treating cancer, diabetes, CAD, even infections the way we treat addiction.

• We wait until the tumor is so huge we can't ignore it.
  
• We wait until gangrene or renal failure occurs to treat diabetes.
  
• We wait until the person has an MI bfore treating their CAD.
  
• We wait until their almost septic before prescribing antibiotics.
  

Once we finally start the treatment, we give less than the recommended dose of chemo, insulin, cardiac meds, or antibiotics for half of the recommended time. Then we don't follow up to be sure the treatment has been effective or to catch early signs that the disease might be returning or progressing.

And then the final insult...if their cancer recurs, they have another MI, their blood glucose hits 300, or the infection has progressed to sepsis, WE BLAME IT ON THEM AND REFUSE TO TREAT THEM ANYMORE!

Are you a member of a support group for sexual abuse survivors? It's been truly amazing to watch my sister and Dad (especially Dad) transform as a result of participating in a support group. I think one of the most devastating results of sexual abuse and addiction is the toxic shame we feel. The power of being a member of a group of people who have experienced what we've experienced let's us know we aren't alone, some sort of defective freak (which most of us think we are). One of the most powerful things I've experienced at 12 Step meetings is the, "I'm Jack, and I'm an alcoholic or addict (the same thing)." When the groups responds "HI JACK!" (I never attend 12 Step meetings at Airports...usually results in body cavity searches!)...when they welcome me, despite the fact I just shared one of my deepest, darkest secrets (not anymore), I begin to realize that I'm NOT defective. I'm surrounded by people who KNOW what I've been through and despite that terrible secret, accept me with open arms. I'm seeing the same thing in this support group I attend with my Dad...men who are finally realizing they weren't the cause of the abuse, they aren't evil or weak, they aren't alone, and they are in a safe environment where they can express their fears, insecurities, and share their experience, strength and hope with others traveling the same road to recovery.

Addiction is generally an isolating disease. We use the chemicals to "go away". Because it IS so isolating, recovery is achieved and strengthened when shared with others seeking recovery. It's not an accident that the earliest sign of impending relapse is a gradual drop in attendance at meetings. Our disease thrives on isolation and shame. The "chemo, insulin, or antibiotic" for our disease is building a relationship with a community of recovering individuals where we can freely discuss our fears, "crazy" thoughts, and desire to "use" without worrying about rejection or scaring the living daylights out of our non-addict family and friends!

Keep us posted on your recovery. Share with us your fears, "failures" (notice the quotes), sorrows, and frustrations. This gives us the chance to see where we were, and where we don't want to go again. It also gives you the chance to see that recovery can and DOES happen. Finally, it gives all the opportunity to share our experience, strength and hope with newbies and old-timers (and occasionally with the non-addicts in our lives) and to "Celebrate Recovery".

We love you and welcome you to our family!

Jack

PS: Read this excellent article by William White, "Recovery as a Heroic Journey". Whether you realize it or not, you ARE a hero!

[gr8fulnrs]

wow, you sound like you have my same level of anxiety about calling for your urine color every day. this is what i do...before I go to bed I set my cell phone on kitchen counter under calander to prompt me to call, and if that fails, i have the alarm on my cell phone set to go off at 9:00 M-F, and if that fails, when i walk out the front door to work every day I look at the damn stciky note I have on my front door that says "call for pee". As soon as i do call I write the color down on my calander for that day, so I can assure myself i called. And i feel the same way you do about going to get professional help. because once I enter into professional counseling during the duration of my probation I have to inform the BON, which to me ( I think) will put up a red flag for them to think i'm having a hard time with recovery and the likes. No ********, it is hard, not so much recovery, but just life on life's terms. But we will get by! I'm a year and half into my three year probation. doing this by puttin one foot in front of the other. i have conscious contact with my HP, call my sponsor daily, work the steps, go to meetings, be of service to others (this helps me get out of my own crap) and now i think I'm just rambeling...just want you to know I'm right there with ya in your anxiety!

[banannabag]

Thanx so much for giving me hope. Sometimes I feel like the next three years will take FOREVER! I know that one of my character flaws is impatience so I guess God is giving me quite the lesson. I have been practicing giving my fears and anxiety up to God every day and it is helping immensly. I still am not smoking and have not yet needed medication. Just today when I was giving a urine I asked the girl if they would close if the weather was bad enough tomorrow and she said "oh yeah probably and then what will you do" needless to say she is NOT one of my favorite people. Instead of obsessing over that. I prayed and realized that I do not have control over things like this and that God does and in the end everything will be ok. Don't worry....be happy!!