OK... Here's the background:
I have a moderate history of my own medical care. Long-term medications and some minor surgery. I have a history of suspicion to doctors, but kindness to nurses.
At the time of a minor surgery, I had an attitude adjustment, as a person. And the nurses just seemed so incredibly cool, as with my ongoing view of them.
I am the lowest person at my local hospital - a "candystriper" volunteer. (They don't use the "candystriper" term, but I use it, as a joke.) Mostly I do the Emergency Department, for about the past year or so.
Yes, I will clean the staff room and waiting room. Yes, I will stock supplies and change bedsheets. Yes, I will serve the meals. And reassure the family members. Yes, I will be polite to drunks and psychs. Yes, I will empty the vomit cups. Yes, I will spoon-feed someone old enough to be my grandmother. Or listen to her dementia-repetition, while I say, "Yes, ma'am, there are some people who will come to drive you back home, and you need to wait here..." while she repeats her half-story from 1943. And I am nice to her.
I have been told that, I am the most "physical" candystriper here, with more interest in actual work, like moving beds (with or without people on them.)
Actually, I will be nice to anybody and everybody. No matter what I might think in some other compartment of my mind, some other time. I strive for neutrality. No matter what I see, or what I feel underneath. Granny broke her hip falling at home? Some guy crashed his car while drunk? Some random mystery that I don't have authorisation to ask... But can I distract from your pain and chat with you?
I can smile and act like a cheerful candystriper, offering you coffee, ignoring the screams from the next cubicle. And brushing off the annoying, "So do you ever see people from car crashes?" comments. Because I just want to be nice to the individual person with whom I am dealing. And I pride myself on my smell-stoicism (you know what I mean.)
And I think that the ambulance staff are are so cool. Perhaps that would be a better job path.
So... Here's the problem...
I am a member of a minority. Which is particularly hated. In a way that would make me very vulnerable in a mostly female environment. With the standard bullying, including appearance-based abuse.
Despite the fact that, I am nonsexual, and would never view another person (student coworker, etc) as either a target or competitor.
I was born male, and used medical means to make my body look more female. It has nothing to do with sex, because I am committed to celibacy. I am generally perceived as female (i.e. automatically called, "she") by random people. But, I figure that, experienced medical professionals will "read" me (as I wipe the crud from the staff-room microwave, without pay...)
I just want my own medical history to be glossed-over. And, the vast majority of the time, it is.
So, I am scared about applying to nursing school. I have already see what they do, and how hard the job is.
My fear is about being "read" as transsexual by other students, and by instructors (informed persons.) And then singled out for bullying and discrimination.
Yes, I know about the concern of people doing sexual misconduct. Because nursing is such an intimate position. Personally, I find it frightening, just as any other decent person would.
"Uh, yes-ma'am, we just need to get this cup down there, because the nurse wants a urine sample... (non-verbal: I just want the nurse to think I'm a good candystriper for doing this...) "
No, I didn't find anything sexy about that.
I am so afraid that, my medical history as a transsexual person will be twisted into something bad. And that, my compassion will be twisted into predation.
Even if I weren't transsexual, I would still fear a female-biased workplace. They are so fixated on gossip, and passive-aggression, so forth. And it is worse if they read me, which is much more likely be people in a medical field.
I am NOT interested in "feel-good" encouragements from people without experience. And, I know about having a "thick skin." But, I also know that, a "thick skin" isn't going to stand up to some bigoted nursing instructor who views me as some kind of evil pervert.
I just want to make a difference, in a positive way. If any readers here know the Buddhist "Story Of The Four Visions", that is my underlying motivation in this. I think about that story every time I am at the hospital. And I feel that, my contact with the medical profession relates strongly a spiritual path, which I won't go into here.
Comments on this, please? Not just feel-good?
Thank you....
