I know where you are coming from. My story is relatively similar to yours. I went to psych as a new grad thinking I would enjoy it because I excelled in it during nursing school
after working in psych for 8 months I realized I couldn't stay there mentally. I worked for a for profit mental health hospital who didn't care about the patients. They were very much "profit over patients." I left before even looking for a new job, but my charge nurse and I worked so well together, she offered (without me so much as asking) to be a reference and told me if this wasn't her last job before she retired she would be walking out the door with me. That left me with no skills, in terms of blood draw, iv medications, chest tubes, ng tubes, etc except for the theoretical knowledge I learned in nursing school. At the psych hospital I worked at, RNs did the assessments, admissions, and discharges. We did not so much as give medications, unless, they called off the lpn for "low census." So... on the job hunt I went. I was able to shadow for 1 night at a local nursing home and quickly realized that same night why they were so short staffed/couldn't keep any staff. So the next day I informed that nursing home's DON that I knew this wasn't the right job for me and I didnt want to waste anymore of their time. The nurse I shadowed with took care of 3 halls on the 3-11pm shift and she stayed til 3am that night I shadowed finishing an admission that had got there at 2:30pm that day. The patient was a rehab pt who was there with a trach and jtube who was discharged from the hosp to this nursing home. At 11pm this nurse was still passing meds and that new admission was cryimg in his bed because he needed pain medication. His mar had not even been created because his admission was not even complete. The meds for that nursing home were sourced from a facility 45 miles away and of course hadnt been called in yet even though it was a late hour in the shift.... I was shocked and at a loss for words that my future shifts would be like that. So after that catastrophe, I took a leap and applied for a med-surg position at a local hospital. I interviewed with the recruiter and presented them my case of what my experience/skills I had and was able to pass to the next round and interview with the floor manager. The manager called me 2 days later and offered me a full time job working three 12 hour shifts a week (and with the ability to work more if I wished by adding myself to the schedule if I wanted to work extra.) When I came to my 1st day of floor orientation, I did not so much as know how to mix an ivpb of zosyn or vanc. Let alone know how to set an alaris pump. That's what my predicament was. I was so fortunate to have had 2 great nursing preceptor for a total of 6 weeks. My preceptors basicslly told me we were going to hit the floor hard. Go big or go home and that we did. My floor receives chest tubes, ng tubes, jtubes, g tubes, post op patients, pneumonia, small bowel obstructions, lap choles, step down icu pts, cellulitis, ortho if the ortho floor is full, oncology of the onc floor is full, observation is obs is full, anything you can think of. I am now managing 6 patients successfully every shift and when I think about where I started not too long ago... I didn't even know how to draw blood. Of course, I still have lots of questions and I have a great team of nurses I work with now and great charge nurses who are always there for me and each other. I have been on med surg now entering 7 months and when I think of how far I've come it's mind boggling. I just keep thinking where will I be with my personal nursing growth after a year? It's so crazy. Excuse this long novel, but I found your story somewhat similar to mine. Honestly, if you don't grow into liking your job you are only hurting yourself psychologically (no one wants to go to a job they don't like) and are leaving patients at a disadvantage because you are not present 100%. Though it can seem difficult and you blame yourself, do what feels right in your heart. I know I am very lucky to have found myself surrounded with a great team now. I only hope the best for you and that you find a home that feels like home. Dont lose faith and keep your head up. Last thing I will say to you is this... if you had asked me before I graduated where I saw myself working, med-surg would be the last place. I detested med surg during clinical and look at me now. So, like I said previously, you will find a home.