Family and Obligations...I need to vent.

[stacieprimus]

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the weird title, but I need to vent a bit. I am the first person in my family to go to college. I have always been considered the "weird one". I moved away from our home town to live with my fiance in "the city" (which actually isn't city at all, but apparently anything but farmland is city to them so they won't dare drive to my house). They understand that I am IN nursing school, but they truly do not understand the demand it is on me.

My older sister is getting married this November and I am a bridesmaid (I agreed to be in the wedding way before I even was accepted in to nursing school). I work full time, take care of my home, and go to school. I cannot begin to say how stressful and tiring this is (even though I DO love it). The problem being, my family seems to think that I should still be able to attend EVERY little thing they do for my sisters wedding (cookie baking, boquest making, etc...). My older sister is a stay at home "soon to be" wife. She has all the time in the world right now. I understand she wants all of her bridesmaids there, but when I only have ONE day a week free (I work m-f 7-4, school tues/wed/thur night from 5-9, clinical saturday 7-3) and have my own stuff PLUS studying to do, its just not possible for me to make the 1.5 hour drive out to her house, bake some cookies, drive 1.5 hours back home, get everything I need done for the following week, and get to bed at a decent hour. I am just so torn. They're getting angry with me not showing up t stuff, but I just dont have ANY excess time. I feel like its too close to the wedding to back out now (I even have to miss a clinical day and pay $80 to make it up for her wedding). I love my family, but I just wish they would TRY to understand the corner they put me in when they criticize me for "always being too busy" for things like birthday parties, cookie baking parties, etc...

I made the mistake of telling my older sis that I am finally making the 2 hour trip out to where we bought our dresses this Sunday to pick mine up and now she wants me to come to her house after to bake cookies. I didn't have the heart to say no, but I am so upset for saying yes. I have SO much stuff I need to be doing other than baking cookies. I just don't know what to do...

[mclennan, BSN, RN]

Just say no.

It really is that simple.

Yes......it is.

To succeed in nursing you need a strong resolve, which it sounds like you already have. You got out of the country life & are pursuing something other than being a housewife. You HAVE the power to control your life. Use it. If your work and schooling are truly important to you, you will put them first. Sometimes things have to be imbalanced first.....to BE balanced later. Tell your family tough titties. You are busy improving your life and making them proud. Buy some nice cookies for her at the bakery and get your nose back in the books. Don't be sorry.

[SopranoKris, MSN, RN, NP]

First of all, so sorry that you've been stressed out! It's a lot to live on your own, work & go to nursing school.

From what I've read in your post, it doesn't sound like they are understanding the time constraints you have. But it also sounds like you aren't verbalizing this to them either. You knew you didn't have enough time and you still said yes to baking cookies. Frankly, I'd call her back and say "I'm so sorry I'm going to have to bail on baking, but I have to work until (x time) and that only leaves me (x hours) to study/do homework/etc before the next day. I would absolutely LOVE to be there, but I have to take care of my responsibilities first".

This way, you're setting your boundaries and you're letting them know you would like to be there. It's understandable that obligations must come first. Use your nursing skills and prioritize :)

It can be so hard when family doesn't understand just how much work is involved in nursing school. And it can certainly make you feel guilty for not being able to do family events. I know you didn't have the heart to say no, but by not establishing boundaries, you are stressing yourself out even more.

Hugs to you!

[LoveNeverDies]

That is quite unfortunate! I think your options are either saying no, or going to "bake" cookies and bring books and study. When they ask you to help just explain you have too much studying to do and you came only to spend time with everyone. If she complains about it, explain that it is the only option, you can study and talk to her while she bakes, or you can come home and study.

[Spangle Brown]

She is only counting the time your there and not including the time your driving. Surely you can spare a couple of hours. Sure, but a couple plus 3, is most the day. If not all day. They could bring the party to you once and awhile. If they say it's to far, then tell them that is EXACTLY what your talking about and why you can not do it every week. Sooo, they need to be more upfront on the ones you can miss and what you need to be there on. Cause girl, you need time to breath. It wouldn't hurt to point out you need a house cleaning/laundry party. Let them hang out with you at your place for a change. It will help them connect to your new world. Cause right now, they haven't. And if it's as you said, they will not drive there, then IT"S THEIR CHOICE they are making. Stop letting them pull your strings. I've been there and done that with family. You will never do enough, there is always something more. Every day off, every vacation, etc. Yet there days off and vacations they do as they please, no wait. That is me. Ha Ha. Seriously, cut the strings. It needs to be a two way street. When they whine, remind them that it could be at your place once in a while, but if there is no compromise, then don't feel any guilt.

[NurseGirl525, ASN, RN]

My little sister is getting next Saturday. They live about 8 hours away but I made sure to make it home for her shower. You have to remember, this is the biggest day in her life, to her. It's hard to understand being a bride until you are there yourself. She wants everyone to be a part of her day that she has been dreaming of since she was about 5. So just try and relax and understand it will all be over soon. She is your sister. Make a little time here and there for her right now. I am also missing a day of school. In the bigger scheme of things, not really a big deal. You will regret it later on if you ignore family and friends now.

[classicdame, MSN, EdD]

unless they have been through it, no one understands the demands on you right now. Be firm and explain that you miss these opportunities, but you are commited to being a great nurse. Believe me, they will be bragging about you in the future and will be calling on you to help decipher medical lingo, etc. Some brides do not understand that others are ok with her having a big day, but many days is too much. You cannot live someone else's dream. Live your own.