Worried

[Bonnielou99]

Hello, this is my first time to post. I have been a nurse since 1970, have always worked full time or part time. I and my husband have raised three great kids, and because of his job, have moved a lot through the U.S. We have lived in our current location about 4 years.

Last spring I had a headache for a month, it would go away with regular strength tylenol. I went to my GP and he said come back in a week if it was not better. Two days later I was a work, and began to walk unsteady in the halls. My nurse manager cracked a wheelchair behind my knees and said I was to go to the ER. In ER they drew blood, did an EKG and a head CT. They called my husband and he was in the room with me, when the ER doctor came in and said "No wonder you had a headace, you have a brain tumor." That was nine months ago. I had a biopsy, radiatition therepy and chemo. I was told Oct 1st, that I am in remission. I am supposed to go back to work after the first of the year, but this is why I am worried. I cannot seem to get in third gear. I go to the gym and seem quite strong. I can lift and do anything I want around the house. Mentally I think I am OK. It is just I hit a wall, and really no reason for me to continue on with any activity. I just stop. Well I can't do that at work. How do you prepare for a 12 hour night shift, in ICU? I also know my co-workers, and wouldn't be surprised to find myself with a "hard" patient and the admission because I have been "on vacation".

I think I am just using up energy worrying about things that may or may not happen (isn't that what worry is). How do I get ready for this, or can I?

Thanks for any advice you may share.

[lamazeteacher]

You need to be in tip-top shape emotionally and physically to return to ICU 12 hour shifts. When I was an Employee Health Nurse, I saw every employee before they returned to work, after anything but the shortest illnesses. The Employee Health Nurse will call your physician while you are in her/his office with recommendations about the amount and extent of work that needs to be authorized. I've written their notes and faxed it to physicians (they hate writing them), for them to put on their letterhead stationery for you to bring in before starting back to work.

There is disability insurance for long term absence from work that Employee Health can initiate for you, (it pays less than you made before); and as the others said, you need to ease back - make the return to full employment easier on yourself. That's hard for nurses to do, but it is how we'd advise others in our situations. Labor laws protect your position for you.

This is a special time for you, and being worried is your clue about how you should spend it. The nasty co-worker fears also indicate that there's something else you need to do. Search that healthier brain of yours and find out what that is! Work will distract you from what you really need to do with your time now.

I too have had cancer, and I tried to get back to work sooner than I should. It was painful and now I know I denied the impact it had on me; and I wanted everyone to say, "Look how wonderful she is, coming back to work so soon" (or something like that....in reality they probably said, "how silly she's being to ignore the toll on her mind and body...."). Thank heavens I was teaching at the time and hadn't physical demands like your job has. I had counseling, took extra time to recover, and gradually resumed the schedule I had before. That was 36 years ago!

From what you've shared, you seem to expect a lot of yourself, and want to minimize the impact of your absence from work, to your co-workers. However, you do have some degree of PTSD and need to have that assessed. Pease don't think you have to be super-nurse (even though most ICU nurses are).

May the essence of the nurse you are, lead you to care for yourself as you would for others. Let your faith in yourself and others sustain you in your recovery from this most stressful experience. Know that you are the best you can be, and be satisfied. Let time and willingness heal you further;and others will see your patient acceptance of what life brought you. This is the opportunity to be all that you can be.

Loving, healing thoughts to you, dear colleague.

Lois Klein

[growing777]

I applaud you for even considering going back to such a demanding job after what you have been through. How long ago did you finish treatment? Radiation therapy wipes out your energy for quite some time, even after it's over. Same with chemotherapy. My mom underwent chemo and radiation for breast cancer over a year ago, and is still experiencing some side effects and definitely is not completely up to speed as far as her energy level goes. She retired, and works through an agency periodically to supplement her retirement income.

Good luck, and I hope you continue to get better.