I Need opinions

[BrandyBSN]

To graduate from my university, i must complete a professional/personal portfolio. We have to include a project, that shows asthetic understanding and use of creativity.

I have been looking through my old poems that I have written since entering college, and I found one that I had written when I was a freshman in Fall of 1998. I need input. Its one of my favorites that I have written, but its a little "off the norm", and uses a lot of imagery. Please read it, and let me know what your opinions are?

Thank you in advance, BrandyBSN

The recollection:

Life goes on...

When I think about yesterday when I could have celebrated with sex more than moist poetry

The rhythm in my voice is broken like a morning-after haze through the throb of the coffee that continues to dilute the champagne

Intoxicating effects linger blind like secret fire and ice while in a cloud without brilliance I see

The morning's translucent picture of what might...have been

I spend time to look, listen, learn as time smokes its cigarette -

Spewing its poisons into the surrounding sanctuary of my would-be peaceful ambience

I close my eyes and approach my universe, entranced by the velvet perfume from flowers of deep blue corduroy, and continue asking questions of my eternity

Answers seep in, as the breeze whispers sweet nothings to its concrete prisoner.

Never to be free, never to breath, it bleeds continuously

The liquid embraces, and dulls the pain, but releases its desires mixed with a lack of trust, asking me to listen... as an unborn child kisses the endless morning sky

My soul searches for a reason for continued existence...

But he is a fool

We beat him

Devour him

Cut him

Make him bleed

As we misrepresent him

Refusing to let him breath

And sentence him to die

-Brandy Leake-

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I think it was beautiful but you lost me at the end.

A lot of interesting images, I had to read it a couple times before they came together for me. The last part about beating, devouring etc, looks like a rushed finish, and is not as effective as the first part.

Just my 2 cents, poetry is pretty personal.

[hoolahan, ASN, RN]

I loved the imagery. But, I gotta tell you Brandy, I am not the brightest bulb when it comes to poetry, so without any foundation for saying it, I am not sure it would belong in your nursing portfolio. I don't get the connection to nursing, but like I said, I didn't do well in poetry class, needed cliff notes to explain the deeper meaning to me. To me a sunset is a sunset, not a death. LOL! But, it is a very beautiful poem. I would love to read more. That is one thing I truly wish I had a gift for, to express myself that way. But my best work always begins Roses are red, violets are blue.... you see what I mean?! LOL!

[BrandyBSN]

thanks :)

Its not a nursing portfolio, it is supposed to be something from every aspect of my liberal arts and sciences classes. Writing being the core of that.

I have gotten 6 PMs asking if I was sexually abused as a child.... The answer to that is no.

The Poem does start out sexual and erotic, and, does symbolize sex. The end is angry and violent to symbolize the painful ending of a life... her unborn child. I wrote it about a mother who decided to have an abortion, and the days after, regret the loss, and morn for the lost of the innocence.

[hoolahan, ASN, RN]

WOW

Don't I feel stupid! That is really great, then yes, I would use it!! It is wonderful. (Now that I get it, of course I love it!)

You have a gift Brandy! I can'r even read it, let alone write poetry!

You GO girl!!

[Imrnlil]

Eloquent.....Go forward and be a great nurse.

[michelle999]

very nice, you'll go far