I Hate You, Heart Attack...
I hate you, heart attack...
You robbed us of our lives together without either warning or reason..
Like a ferocious storm on a dead calm sea, you snuck in and overtook everything in your path, including the life we had before you..
I hate you , heart attack...
You took the man I used to know when you catapulted into our lives like some unstoppable treacherously dangerous blight that couldn't be quelled..You changed everything and everyone in your path....
Why? Why him and please God, why now?
This morning he saw his baby smile for the first time. I remember thinking at that moment all was supremely well with the world, with us....
Then I come home to a phone call instructing me to call the hospital...
"Maa'm, we regretfully inform you that your husband is having a heart attack."
I dropped the phone....The baby was in my other arm...I watched the phone slowly tumble to the floor and all its guts fall out..Along with my own..Or so it seemed...
I called my dad....I wanted my mom and dad...All I could do was cry.....I was already so tired....
I don't remember the ride to my parents...I do remember the call to my husband's parents....I made myself not cry....
Later my brother would tell me that he never wanted to ever hear me cry that way again....I didn't know he heard me over the phone...
My strong vital husband in the ICU, so small so suddenly....
Our baby down the hall with gramma....
I beg the nurse to bring the baby in....She says no and then mercifully changes her mind...I was going in anyway....
The ship's captain there, and the crew....This is not good...They are trying to be strong for me.....I know I have to be strong for them, but I am not feeling strong.....I am just so damn scared...
A nurse comes in and doesn't explain anything but she does say, "Well, I don't have to explain whats going on since you're a nurse."
I surprise myself by gathering enough strength to say loudly and passionately enough so that everyone knows, " I am SO not a nurse today!"
They explain everything they do after that....
My husband tells me not to cry....I can't help it.....
I bring our baby in for him to see...I make him touch her...She smiles her second smile for daddy.....
I want him to be strong for her...
I want him to be there for her.
I want him to be there for me...
Please God, don't let him die...
I can't do this all alone.....
I HATE you heart attack!
Later , after the hospital, we can't figure out what to say to each other.
We don't know how to act.
We are so confused that I finally break down and yell,
" I don't know how I am supposed to be"
I hate you heart attack...
You are worse than a thief...You raped our lives together....
I know I should be grateful but all I am is mad....
You horrible, disgusting heart attack..You left someone who used to rush home to pick me up to go and see a magnificent sunset...
Now, we don't rush anywhere...
Now, even though he doesn't say it, he is afraid....
I feel as though we are adrift in a stormy sea with no lifeboats...
We have to ride the storm, or perish....
How could you do such a vicious thing? And why?
We're drifting dangerously far apart and I don't know what to do about it.
Sometimes I feel as though we'll never get back ....
This man no longer wants me or talks with me and I can't fix it..
Me, the nurse who elicits conversation from everyone..
I can't fix it...
I'm so very sad....
Sometimes I just feel so defeated.
But, I won't let you win Heart attack...I won't...Because I won't let you take me too...And because I love him more than I hate you...
I miss my husband, my sweet, creative, proud, funny, sexy loving husband.
The one who sent me flowers for no reason and for every reason, who made me feel beautiful, wrote me love letters and touched me passionately and often..
I'm searching on the surface of a selfish thought but I can't help it because we had our baby and then we had you and now I'M the one with the broken heart......
Written 12/04/97 by Martha O'Brien
A footnote ... All is well now ....... Thanks for allowing me to share...
