You're a Nurse If

[GitanoRN, BSN, MSN, RN]

i'm sure some of you have seeing this, however, i thought i would bring a smile to your face~

you're a nurse if...

*you can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

*you believe every patient needs tlc: thorazine, lorazapam, and compazine.

*you can't see it; it's probably not there.

*your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

*you think it is acceptable to use "member" and "lady parts" in a normal conversation.

*you believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

*you believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.

*you call some of your co-workers "flowers in the field of medicine" because they're bloomin' idiots.

*you hope there's a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.

*you believe not all patients are annoying. some are dead.

*you believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

*you see stress as a normal way of life.

*you have a tendency to laugh at your patient's "big" problems.

*you know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

*you believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*you've ever thought, "patients, god love 'em, because today, i sure don't!"

*everything only happens all at once.

*you have more t-shirts that say, "love a nurse prn" than plain t-shirts.

*you've ever referred to other nurses as "band-aid bunnies."

*you've ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

*you write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

*you notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

*you look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.

*you've ever told anyone in pain to "stop being a baby and deal with it."

*you have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you reply "yes", and walk away.

*you've ever told a patient to "stop faking it."

*you believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

*you don't get excited about blood loss unless it's your own.

*you don't hit patients or doctors....unless absolutely necessary.

*you believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.

*anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

*you believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don't understand the situation.

*you've ever said, "why am i here?"

*if you believe if a patient who has a catheter, he needs it.

*everyone gets treated exactly the same...until they **** you off.

*when you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

*when called for orders, the md says, "write them yourself; you know the patient better than i do."

*you've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

*ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "no, i've never had sex."

*you refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

*you can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn't bother you.

*you believe tylenol, advil, or excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

*you've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "now your going to feel a little stick."

*you can identify the "pid shuffle" and the "kidney stone squirm" at 15 feet.

*you've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "i'm afraid of shots."

*you've ever thought, "as long as he's got a pulse, i don't care about the rhythm."

*you think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the er and tell them he od'd on "some kind of pills."

*you automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a pt. claims to have daily.

*you can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "just two beers."

*you feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.

*you stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

*you think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

*you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

*you have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out ama.

*you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

*your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is "why is this an emergency now?"

*you believe every waiting room should have a valium salt lick.

*you don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see.

*you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

*you have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

*you believe a book entitled "suicide: getting it right the first time" will be your next project.

*you believe a good tape job will fix anything.

*you've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "i don't know how that got stuck in there."

*you have ever had a patient say, "i'm not pregnant, i can't be pregnant! i can't be having a baby!"

*you have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of haldol.