Winter In Maine

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The following entries were excerpted from a Journal maintained by Mr. Roger Biff" Thornton, III shortly after he and his wife Amanda "Buffy" Parker-Thornton moved to Rangeley from their home in Boca Raton.

December 8 It started to snow. The first snow of the season and Buffy and I took our cocktails in front of the big bay window. We sat for hours, watching the huge, soft flakes drift gently down from the night sky. It looked just like a Grandma Moses print; so romantic that we felt like newlyweds, again. I love snow!

December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal-white snow that covered every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! I don't think that there could be a more beautiful spot in the whole world. Moving here was the best idea I ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a kid, again. I did the driveway and the sidewalks. Later in the afternoon, the snowplow came along, covering the sidewalk and plugging the driveway with snow so had got the opportunity to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. This is such a disappointment but my neighbor, Bob, told me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. I hope so. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob said that we'll have so much snow by the time winter is over, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's very likely. Bob is such a great guy and I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 Snow, lovely snow! We got 8" last night and the temperature dropped to 20-below. The cold makes everything sparkle like diamonds. The wind took my breath away but I warmed up be shoveling the sidewalks and driveway. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. Gosh, I didn't realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way, yesiree. I just wish I didn't huff and puff quite so much.

December 15 Another 20-inches forecast. Sold my mini-van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer, refrigerator and pantry with enough food to open a Mini-Mart. Buffy wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes off but I think that's silly. After all, this isn't Alaska!

December 16 Ice storm hit during the night. Fell on my butt while trying to salt the driveway. Hurt like everything. Buffy laughed for an hour, which I think was needless cruelty.

December 17 It's still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. The power was off for 9 hours and we huddled under every blanket in the house trying to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at Buffy and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought the darn wood stove but I'm not going to admit it to her. I really hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room!

December 20 Electricity came back on last night and blew out every circuit breaker in the house. Awoke to another 14-inches of that darn white stuff. More shoveling. Took all day. Stinking snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighborhood kid to shovel but they all said they were busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snowblower. They said they're out and won't get any more until March. I think they're lying. Bob said I have to shovel the sidewalk or the town will have it done and bill me an exorbitant amount. I think he's lying.

December 22 Bob was right about having a White Christmas because another 13-inches of that white crap fell today and it's so stinking cold that the crap won't melt until August. It took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and by then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 Only 2-inches of snow today and it warmed all the way up to Zero. This morning, Buffy asked me to decorate the front of the house. What is she, nuts?!! I asked her why in the world she didn't ask me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think the old bag is lying.

December 24 Six more inches. The snow is packed so hard by the snowplow that I broke the rotton shovel! Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him all the way to Bangor by his ears. I know that he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws glacier-sized chunks of ice and snow all the way to the front of the house. Tonight, Buffy wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents but I was busy watching for the stinking plow!

December 25 Yeah, Merry Christmas. Twenty more inches of the #@X!@&%!* slop tonight! Oh yeah! Snowed us right in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I beat him over the head with my shovel. Buffy says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If she makes me watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I am going to kill her.

December 26 Still snowed in. What ever possessed me to move here? I must have been out of my mind! It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 Temperature dropped to minus 50º and the stinking pipes froze.

December 28 Warmed up to minus 30º. Still snowed in. Can't flush because of the frozen pipes so I have written my will in urine off the back porch. THE OLD BAG IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!

December 29 Another 10-inches fell in the night. Bob says I should shovel the roof or it could cave in. That lying rotgut; just how dumb does he think I am?

December 30 Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for 1.6 million dollars. That whining old bag Buffy went home to her mother. Another 9-inches predicted for tonight.

December 31 You'd think that the SOBs would be wrong at least once. Set fire to what was left of the house. The flames thawed the pipes. No more shoveling.

January 8 I really feel good. I just love those little white pills they are giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? What's that noise? Is there someone in the closet? It's that lousy snowplow driver! I knew it! Come outta there, you sick SOB!

What's the needle for, nurse? Oh no, not in the butt again! Oooo, that...oooo, that's nice. Let's make snow angels.

NOTE: Mr. Thornton is presently living at an undisclosed desert location and still in intensive therapy. Buffy is married to a snowplow manufacturer and living happily in Caribou. This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm Faith is a refusal to panic.......

CHEERS!

Fran:D