What I have accomplished

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Specializes in Trauma ICU, Surgical ICU, Medical ICU.

What I learned this past year...

Ok, so after 18 hours of being on the clock today/tonight, I drove home. On the way home, I got this huge sense of accomplishment and I realized how proud of myself I am. I almost have my first year as an RN in, and I can't believe all that I have accomplished. This year has truly made me such a different (and I believe, better) person than I was this time last year. Looking back, I cant believe how much I have seen and gone through just by doing my job.

I know a lot of my friends here are nurses or in the med profession, and I know you all are going through the same thing or went through the same thing that I feel right now. People really don't realize how it becomes you and how much it influences your life. There were days (and still are sometimes) that I wish I'd never done this gig. I wish I could just go home and eat bon bons all day and do some online shopping. Then I think, 'but what would I be missing?' I can't quit now, there's no changing me. I AM a nurse. Even if I never practiced one more day for the rest of my life, I would still be a nurse, moreover, an ICU nurse.

Being in the ICU is just a different world. My job, literally, is to be a part of a team that cuts people off from death, or accompanies them to it. The other night, I spend 10 straight hours, no pee breaks, no food breaks, no sit down breaks, helping try to save a girl's life. She was my age. Myself with a wonderful team of doctors and nurses and respiratory worked with everything we had to save this girl. At the end of the night we were covered in sweat and blood and every other body fluid imaginable. We watched her mother cry and plead with us to save her. We tried so hard, even though we all knew there wasn't much left to save. She went to surgery right as our shift ended. No one knows if she made it or not. If she does, she probably won't ever function as a normal person again.

On th flip side, my patient was transitioning to death. I always watch the waveforms of the heart monitor get slower and slower, until finally the line is flat. My job is to make sure he doesn't suffer as he dies. I start the morphine and pray that he would let me know if he was in pain. He begins agonal breathing. This is the worst part. The body makes one last attempt a a final breath, the gasps sound painful but I assure the family it is just a reflex. The eyes open and the body become stiff and grey. I have to console a wife who has had him by her side for the past 50 years. What do you say to a person in that situation? I am getting better at it.

I have also seen new brides become widows. I have had to look families in the eye and say "yes, he will die, there is no hope." I have cried right along with families. I listen to stories about how their loved one was so caring or how he loved to dance, or how she was getting ready to go to college this year before the cancer got her. I have had patients die alone, with no one to cry for them.

I have also seen patients leave after thinking there was not a snowball's chance in heck they would make it. I have seen them walking and talking and eating sandwich. It's amazing how powerful seeing someone eating a sandwich can be!

How has this changed me? Well for one I don't take much for granted anymore. I know it can happen to me just as easily as anyone else. I also dont feel empathy as I used to. It's hard to feel bad for someone who just broke up with their boyfriend or cant find an outfit to wear to a party when you see those kinds of things day in day out. I also have seen how people drink themselves crazy. Really makes me want to never drink booze again. It's not pretty after 40 years, you are yellow as a daisy from a liver that doesn't work, and you are telling me about how much you love rabbits and tomatoes. I have seen this at least 20 times this year. I have also seen someone who tried crack ONE TIME end up with a stroke that made them a vegetable. Really makes you want to say no to drugs. I appreciate a blue sky more, best friends more, and good food more. I appreciate every second I spend with my family because they could be gone tomorrow. I know it's not about me anymore. I also realize I'll never be a millionaire and I dont want to be. I also have a thicker skin than ever before. I am constantly reminded of how much I DONT know. I take criticism well. I take every mistake as a learning experience.

I stll have days where I want to scream. I have unappreciative families and patients. I get suprises to go to surgery 5 minutes prior and get yelled at by surgeons because of their mistakes and bad planning. I work my butt off all night long and still get nasty-grams about how I didnt stock or label a tubing. I have had people flat out lie about things I have said. I have had nurses make me cry right in the middle of my shift and I still have to take care of Mr. Jones with tears rolling down my face. I have went to the bathroom to throw up because I am so nervous. Some days I have to laugh just so I dont cry.

This is in ONE year. I am only 23 years old. Sure I could've become an accountant or a business woman on wall-street and made tons of money. Instead, I became a nurse. I worry about bills and making the rent each month. I can't afford a fancy vacation or a nice new house or car. But I am so proud of what I have become. I am proud of all of us. I respect all of you. Hats off to all of you who are in any medical profession!! So when you feel run down or unappreciated, patients are crashing, think about how much you have accomplished and try to muster up a smile! :icon_hug:

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Beautifully said and so inspiring!

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Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho.

Very inspiring! I enjoyed reading your story, it lifted me after a hard day. Thank you.

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Specializes in Rural Nursing = Med/Surg, ER, OB, ICU.

Although I have been in the medical profession for 12 years I have only been an RN for a few weeks. Your posting caused my heart to swell. You should be very proud of yourself because You have found the key to our profession!:heartbeat

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Specializes in district nurse, ccu, geriatric.

Well there is not much to say after that, except I would hope that if I ever needed medical attention, I would have a nurse beside my bed, exactly like you, well done, you are inspirational

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Specializes in Pediatric Psychiatry, Home Health VNA.

God, I can't tell you how much this post affected me. I read it out loud to my fiance and he said to me, "Sounds like a lot of fun" and then asked my why I would choose a profession like nursing if this is what it's like. I told him that I really love people, love them enough to go through the ups and downs of this kind of career. He can't believe it. I think your post gave him a new light as to what it's like to really be a nurse. Thank you.

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Specializes in NICU/L&D, Hospice.

As a

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