Tips and Tricks I Have Taught Caregivers

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

It doesn't matter what the directions say on the package, nor does it matter which puffy side is higher (remember, we learned in school the higher puffy side goes in the back) not true for disposable briefs. If you do, my anatomy is such that the true front side will be under my butt cheeks, and I'll look like I'm a dumb hillbilly with the back part of my drawers halfway up to my bellybutton.

I figured out the whole thing while I was laying in bed. All those undies are put together on conveyor belts. If some are loaded one way, and others are loaded the opposite way, the dumb machine will think it's making them right, (remember, it has no brain) when in fact, it's not.

Another thing about them there drawrs: Always place duct tape on the top and bottom seams on both sides. If you don't they'll split open, and you will wake up in an awful uncomfortable, and embarassing mess.

Now. When placing them there undies on me, I will face the wall, then lean forward, and spread my legs. Remember, IT AIN'T ABOUT SEX! Then run your hands up the inside of my legs to my crotch. It's the only way you will get them on right.

Dear Nurse,

Do NOT place my specially made ointment with capsaisin and Tegretal in it on the crack of my butt. It will make me hotter than I want to be, and I will move rather fast into the bathroom, soak a washcloth with cold water, apply it to said area. If there is no relief, try applying Aloe Vesta to it with the cold, wet cloth. Noticing it cooling slightly, Apply a second coating. Only then will I get relief.

If you place a shower head with warm on the top of my back, I don't care where I am, I will sound like I'm having an orgasm. It feels that good on my poor damaged spine. If you tell me to quiet down, I WILL get louder. Whoever said I'm an angel is wrong. I love to laugh, and if I can't make you laugh, I'll make myself laugh.