Thursday February 22 2024

No Stars In My Eyes · Feb 22

Good sunny morning~

Going to have one last clear, dry day, and that's today; going to be about maybe mid-60's. Then tomorrow will be all cloudy and less warm, then a rainy day Saturday.

I went to sleep around 12:30 AM, and though I woke up about every two hours for about 20 to 30 minutes each time, I woke up, like WOKE UP at 8 Am and have been laying here in bed thinking, thinking, thinking!

Last night when SiL brought Nannie back home, I mentioned to her some of how I've been feeling kind of irritated with myself, and discouraged, but chafing at the bit to bring about some tidy and neat resolutions up here on the third level of the house. She asked me how long it has been since hubby died, and I told her it was on Oct 14th....she said, "Stars, that's less than 6 months. You've been through a LOT and have been working hard to arrange things on the legal front, as well as having to accommodate so many changes in your life that you've never had to confront before. Also, you were recently sick for several days and are only just now getting over that; you can't expect to just bounce back energetically to 'normal' life as you knew it, in less than six months. That's a short a period of time. We don't feel like you're lagging behind, in fact we think you are doing very well, all things considered. Nobody is expecting you to do more than you are doing at this time, and you shouldn't expect that of yourself, either. It'll get done, but it just will take time. In fact WE really appreciate YOU, because you are over here at Nannie's all the time, and that is such a BIG help to US. But we know how wearing it can be."

She is taking Nannie to the dermatologist this afternoon, and SiL said she wouldn't mind at all if I decided not to go to the appt with her and Nannie. So over-night, I decided to take her up on that and stay here. It's not going to be a loooong time with her away, but it'll be nice to bow out of that appt visit, anyway.

Also while I was easing myself into the morning, I looked around this room, and thought about how the other (little) room can be kind of like an annex to this room. I don't want to or have to bring everything from there into this 'new' bedroom. I am shooting for a space that is not crammed, but is calm and soothing, and peaceful with a pleasant tidiness ! So! I have already decided on an approach that uses that little room as a storage of the excess of things I have. I have to remember that I went from an entire house into that one small bedroom and lived that way for 7 years, while hubby's health and being was taking a several-years-long-dive. Now, having been crammed into that one room for so long, it'll take time to stretch and ease out the crush of crumpled time and space.

Now it is only 9:15 AM, and I am going to get up and dressed. I want to shift a few things in the small room toward it becoming what I've envisioned. Not planning on or expecting to accomplish the whole thing in one day, but to make a few small spaces cleared. Then I can work a little at a time toward the sorting, tossing, donating, at my leisure. That will help some to ease the pressure I'm putting on myself.

I know y'all have been suggesting I need respite, but for some reason when I read Crunch's post from yesterday saying the same thing, I realized it could now actually be done with the help of the iL's. And *I* don't have to figure out how it can be done, money-wise, since I am not in charge of that part of her care any more! SiL is a pretty smart cookie about things like that as she also cared for her sister, who was a REAL handful due to her physical and mental status, and living in a group home until she passed away. SiL also arranged for her mom to be in a nursing home, and the sister who is having the pacemaker and defibrillator done will be getting help and care from her daughter, so SiL won't be quite so saddled with everybody's everything. I had told her she needed a secretary and a maid and a major-domo to help her out. I was bemoaning that I do not have the energy I had when I was 10 years younger, like she has now. But it's like I remind Nannie sometimes, "To everything there is a season," and at age 94 no one is expecting her to have the energy to do all the things she was into back when she was younger. When you are used to being the one who has to be the responsible adult, doing and going and being what's needed by every one else, it is a hard bump in the road to adjust to what feels like a lesser contribution than you are used to giving. Like SiL is being for me, is what I was always like for my private duty patients, helping to make their lives easier and even injecting humor and a bit of fun into some aspects of life where it had been missing. So I was putting all I had into their care, but now I have to accept the same from others, for me. Huh. Talk about your epiphanies!