First off, I'm not asking for medical advice. I'm having a real bad time dealing with some grandparent issues and really just need someone to vent to. Also, I'd love to have some support from others who've gone through this.
I've done quite a bit of my clinicals at LTC, and I've spent time on Alzheimer's & Advanced Alzheimer's units. I know what the disease looks like & I know what I'll be dealing with in the future.
It appears that my grandfather, who has basically been father to me, is at the beginning stages of dementia. My grandmother is still living, but she refuses to make any decisions about his future. My father was their only child and he passed away 14 years ago. This leaves my sister & I to decide what to do.
Ideally, I want to keep him at home as long as possible. As long as my grandmother is able to take care of him, he can stay. However, if she feels she can't do it any longer, he can't take care of himself. Both my sister & I MUST work, so we can't just stay with him all the time.
The big problem now is that he is obsessed with marital problems that occured 50 to 60 years ago. Over the years, he's picked fights over this ancient problem. However, more recently he's started bringing it up daily & now it's several times a day. He's become mean & nasty to my grandmother about these perceived slights from half a century ago. She ,herself, isn't well & this constant turmoil is really wearing her down.
Monday morning, I'm taking him to the Doc to see about putting him on Risperdal. I'm hoping that might make it possible for her to tolerate him & allow him to stay home a little while longer. I know, sooner than later, I'll have to have him put away & it's breaking my heart.
I feel like no matter what one of them is getting the shaft. If he stays at home a while longer, her health will probably suffer. Yet, I hate to put him away when the only crazy thing he does is this compulsion to dredge up an old grievance & harrass her with it. Other than doing that, he is perfectly sane. He forgets nothing, he's up to date on all the latest news, he keeps track of what my kids are doing at school, & he knows all the latest goings on at our church. He just can't stop himself from picking these fights with my grandma.
Has anyone around here had to make the horrible decision to put a parent or grandparent away? How to you cope with the guilt? Did you have a decision making process that helped you? My nerves are totally shot. I had to take 2 Klonopin today, which is totally unusual for me. My chest keeps feeling tight & then I can't breath, next thing I'm sick to my stomach, then it's nervous diarrhea. I've had a massive H/A for 2 solid days. I just want to fix everything & get on with my life.
How about getting your grandmother and grandfather some respite time from each other? It sounds like your gf is competent to stay by himself.
Do you live close enough that your grandmother can come stay at your place during the day and relax for a few hours?
Is light volunteer work appropriate for either one of them? Senior citizen's club? Church activities?
Can they afford some household help a couple evenings a week just to have a third person there and take some pressure off?
It is very sad to see old people married for decades go after each other this way - it happened to my grandparents and my husband's grandparents, although not as bad as it sounds like your gf is.
I would suggest your gf see a psychiatrist specializing in gerontology. Careful treatment might keep his obsessions at bay for a while and let them have a few more years at home. Very careful prescribing, considering his age.
birdgardner
333 Posts
How about getting your grandmother and grandfather some respite time from each other? It sounds like your gf is competent to stay by himself.
Do you live close enough that your grandmother can come stay at your place during the day and relax for a few hours?
Is light volunteer work appropriate for either one of them? Senior citizen's club? Church activities?
Can they afford some household help a couple evenings a week just to have a third person there and take some pressure off?
It is very sad to see old people married for decades go after each other this way - it happened to my grandparents and my husband's grandparents, although not as bad as it sounds like your gf is.
I would suggest your gf see a psychiatrist specializing in gerontology. Careful treatment might keep his obsessions at bay for a while and let them have a few more years at home. Very careful prescribing, considering his age.