Please someone read my Nursing school admission essay.

[Alejandra19]

I had the fortunate experience of taking care of my grandmother in her last years of life. I experienced first hand how important it was to provide her with comfort and plenty of love. At times it was difficult to watch her in her most vulnerable states of health, but I had to maintain my strength for her and my family. It was a life changing experience, to watch as my strong grandmother endured her final moments of bliss sweet life.

My grandmother had suffered for many years with a toenail fungus. Her doctor decided that it was best to remove her nail. She was in a lot of pain, and my mother would clean the affected area and change the bandages everyday, which we later found out was the cause of a spiraling state of health. Because the tissue was moist and under a bandage it was susceptible to bacteria which we thought was being avoided by "disinfecting and changing bandages". Unfortunately, my grandmother also had circulatory problems. Her toe became infected and the infection was so strong that regardless of the antibiotics, the infection was spreading rapidly and quickly turned into a severe case of gangrene. It was at that point that we decided to let my family know that my grandmother was in a state of health that was not going to improve and that it was time to say goodbye to my dear love.

All my family came from different parts of the country and we all stayed by her side in her last week of life. It was extremely hard to watch her decay so rapidly. I spoke to her even though she could not speak back, but she would make facial expressions, and that's how I knew she could hear me.

I have wanted to be a nurse far before this life-changing event. I have always had compassion for people and have been told by many that I have a heart of gold. I know I posses the intelligence and determination to complete any task that is given to me. I work in a hospital as a Cna and I see many elderly people in similar situation as my grandmother experienced. When I see my patients, I see my grandmother. I offer all of my love and compassion to my patients.

I would be honored if I were to be given the opportunity to begin the nursing program here at Keiser University. I will not let myself down. I am determined to become a nurse at any cost, and regardless of any obstacles that stand before me.

I would greatly appreciate if a kind knowledgable person would take the time to read and help make any corrections that need to be made.

May god repay you with good health and much good fortune =)

[eva123]

This certainly shows that you are compassionate. Just a suggestion...try to work on your transitioning. I was reading it like aw how sweet to be there for your grandmother in her last minutes then BAM toe infection leading to declining health. I am not sure if you should include the whole health background, but I don't think it would harm anything. Check your use of commas and use complete sentences. I am a nursing student myself, so maybe this isn't the best or most complete advice...but I have written quite a few papers. Good luck and well wishes :)

[Alejandra19]

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I know Im really not the best writer... it's just a rough draft though

[SleeepyRN]

Is there a writing or tutoring center (such as those that most community colleges offer) that you could bring your essay to? I think you could benefit from advice on grammar. I see many run on sentences that you should split in to separate sentences.

It's good to tell of your personal experience with your grandma. However, I would leave out the specific details of her condition simply because it adds no benefit. Use that space to write more about how it affected you. You decided to write about your grandma for a reason. My advice is to reflect on why that experience was so important to you and write THAT. You stated "I spoke to her even though she could not speak back." Tell us WHY that has meaning to you. Otherwise it's just a statement. As a nurse you will come across that situation many times. Many people perform tasks for patients who are unable to speak and forget that they are caring for the whole person. They forget to talk to them. Tell us WHY talking to her was meaningful. I see potential. Put more heart into it. I can tell it's there, but you're not exploring it enough. I don't mean that you have to make it more sappy. Explore and explain what that experience meant to you and how that relates to your desire to be a nurse. I would also add some more about your CNA experience and how that has affected you.

[eva123]

No problem :). And you do not have to be the best writer to be a nurse. But for college these tips and grammar skills will come in handy.