Please critique my Motivational Statement- Navy Nurse Corps

[AvaRN22, MSN, RN]

Hi All, 

I would greatly appreciate your feedback on my Motivational Statement for the Navy Nurse Corps.  My recruiter told me to that this statement should be 250 words, but this is 330 words and I am finding even longer example statements online, so I am thinking this might be OK.  Please let me know what you think. Thank you so much! 

"My passion for the nursing field stems from my desire to serve, supporting one of the most salient aspects of human life: health.  Connecting with families and laboring women on an intimate level as a Labor & Delivery Registered Nurse (RN) and witnessing incredible life-saving feats of medicine are some the most rewarding aspects of my career.  Given my passion for nursing and service, I am inspired to make a larger impact.  

As I seek to broaden my path of service in order to make a larger difference in the nation and world, I aspire to become a United States Navy Nurse Corps Officer.  The Navy’s core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment are aligned with my current professional standards as an RN and personal character.  Additionally, I’m drawn to the leadership component of Navy Nursing, opportunities for humanitarian aid on the USNS Mercy and Comfort, and most importantly- going wherever I am needed the most in order to serve my country and fellow sailors.  

In addition to my character and enthusiasm to serve, I bring over a decade of clinical experience and a leadership-based educational background to the Navy Nurse Corps.  I graduated with a Master of Science in Nursing, with an emphasis on Clinical Nurse Leadership and maintain NCC Certification in my speciality, which keeps me up-to-date on the latest evidence-based practice in Obstetrics.  I have excelled in high-stress clinical scenarios and have honed the ability to adapt quickly to rapid changes, such as acute obstetrical emergencies and the ever-evolving Covid-19 pandemic. 

I am confident that my clinical experience, educational background, and dedication to service and duty will be an asset to the US Navy Nurse Corps.  I believe my strong work ethic, adaptability, and professionalism will benefit the Navy and will enable my success as a Naval Officer.  It would be the greatest honor and privilege to serve my country as an Officer in the US Naval Reserve."

[jfratian, DNP, RN, CRNA]

I would add a something to the effect of 'I understand and am prepared for the personal sacrifices months of deployments and military training will require.'  Dodging deployments is a constant issue in the military I feel.

I think the first paragraph can be taken out without losing much content.  You could also cut out a lot of the adjectives throughout.  When we evaluate military performance reports, we often cross out what we consider subjective 'fluff words.'  Could some of the sentences stand with similar meaning without some of those adjectives?

[AvaRN22, MSN, RN]

16 hours ago, jfratian said:

I would add a something to the effect of 'I understand and am prepared for the personal sacrifices months of deployments and military training will require.'  Dodging deployments is a constant issue in the military I feel.

I think the first paragraph can be taken out without losing much content.  You could also cut out a lot of the adjectives throughout.  When we evaluate military performance reports, we often cross out what we consider subjective 'fluff words.'  Could some of the sentences stand with similar meaning without some of those adjectives?

Thank you for the feedback.  Deployments are actually one of the reasons why I chose the Navy over the Air Force (which was my runner-up).  The Navy seems to deploy more than AF, which is what I was looking for.   I will see if I can mention that in my statement. I will definitely mention it in my interviews. 

I think the last paragraph where I describe my attributes is the fluff that you mention.  I will makes some edits. 

Thanks again!

[jfratian, DNP, RN, CRNA]

I'm not sure if there's really any objective data regarding what branch more often deploys nurses.  Even if there was, I still would not recommend anybody comparing branches solely based on ability to deploy.  If that's something you really want to do a lot, you generally can make your own luck.  Getting on certain deployment teams virtually guarantees you deployments.

For example, the CRNAs and ICU/ER nurses within the Air Force's special operations surgical teams (SOST) deploy very frequently.  The Army's GHOST teams have similar compositions and opportunities.