Nursing School Essay

[NadiaSharifi]

Hi everyone!

I am applying to Saint Luke's College and have been working on my nursing school essay and I am really banking on my essay to get me in. I finished the semester with a 3.58, but my cumulative GPA is a 3.24. I wanted some feedback on what I have written so far. I haven't broke it into paragraphs yet which is an issue because the requirement is two pages double spaced and I still need to add in a concluding statement. I appreciate honesty and lots of input! Thank you.

Essay: You may use this opportunity to address any parts of your academic record which you feel need explaining. Please include your full name in your essay.Your essay should address:

• Your reasons for choosing nursing as a career
  
• Your decision to apply for admission to Saint Luke's College
  
• Your education and professional goals
  
• How acceptance would add diversity to the student population at Saint Luke's College
  

My essay:

Nadia Sharifi

Many high school students would say that the majority of the classes they take are mediocre. Although this is partially true, I was lucky enough to be given an opportunity to participate in a very interactive class my senior year of high school. This experience, Exploring Health Professions, or commonly referred to as EHP, really compelled and molded me to accomplish my dream of becoming a nurse. Every rotation amplified my curiosity and I had finally found a place where I could let my eagerness along with my analytical mind run wild all while sporting very fashionable scrubs. All my unanswered hows and whys were satisfied through this opportunity I had of being able to shadow different hospitals around the Kansas City and Missouri area. The numerous departments I observed enabled me to see the thousands of career choices I could pursue in the medical field. The extensive patient staff interaction I was exposed to on a daily basis taught me a tremendous amount of skill. I saw things that an ordinary eighteen year old would never expect to see. It all became a familiar, yet never dull adventure over time. The things I saw ranged from learning how to perform an EKG to viewing a neurosurgery. Week by week I found myself able to apply the medical terminology I was being taught in class to a real hands on scenario. There was one particular adrenaline filled area that always kept me coming back for more: the ER. One rotation I had in the ER was at Saint Luke's East Hospital. This is when I made the decision to apply to Saint Luke's College. Not only did the incredible cutting edge facility fascinate me, but also the hospital's welcoming atmosphere left me with a lifelong impression. A male nurse by the name of Chuck took me under his wing for the week. His empathy for his patients and adopted children sparked the dedication I now possess for the health profession. I imagine that the cure for many peoples ailments lie not only in medicine, but in the personal care and attention they receive from the staff as well. The little things in life can easily go unnoticed and I want to be there to create a memorable experience for every patient I interact with. I believe I posses the knowledge and experience to benefit Saint Luke's. My various shadowing and volunteering experience will be of great assistance. Most importantly, what sets me aside from other applicants is my diverse background. Since both of my parents are from Iran I have been brought up in quite a different cultural atmosphere and my fluency in Farsi has put me at a higher advantage. My mother once told me that in the hospital my grandmother did not receive the proper medical care due to the lack of an Iranian translator. I had the simple reply of; I wish I could have been that person. I know I have the drive and commitment it takes in becoming an outstanding nurse and I always say I don't care how many failures and obstacles I will have to overcome, I will get there. This is what I told myself when I had to withdraw from two Science courses. The first W was from Biology my freshman year. It was very overwhelming the first time I stepped into the 800-person lecture hall. I had always been used to the smaller classrooms coming right out of high school. It was difficult to ask the professor questions and even though I was in the lab, which I received a B in; the exams in lecture seemed to be a great deal more difficult then lab exams. I took the lecture and lab during the summer; I was credited with an A. My second W was in Anatomy this semester and it was on the account of me being part of 200/400 students who were unable to enroll in the lab. This put me at an extreme disadvantage amongst other students who were in the lab because they were able to see what we were learning in a visual and hands on perspective. I chose to withdraw from the course and re-take it with the lab next semester where I can exceed to my fullest potential.

[Devon Rex, ADN, BSN]

Hello Nadia!

Here are my recommendations:

1. Delete the first sentence. You want to start your essay on a positive note and say something that would grab the reader’s attention. To say other students found “the majority of their classes mediocre” is not a good start. Focus more on your view of things.
   
2. Make a paragraph for each one of the four questions. That should be the body of your essay.
   
3. You will then add your first paragraph; which will highlight your to the four questions in a very general basis. Leave details for the following four paragraphs.
   
4. Then work on your final paragraph. It should reiterate your first paragraph , but in different words.
   
5. At first, do not worry about how long the essay is (for example: If you are meeting the required amount of pages)… you can work on trimming or adding things when you have said everything you want to say. If it’s too long, start trimming or combining ideas.
   
6. Even though the essay is about you, try to minimize the amount of times you use the word “I”. Sometimes you can re-phrase a sentence without using “I”.
   
7. Whenever you want to use “that the”… see if you can delete “that”.
   
8. Notice when you wrote “great deal more difficult then lab exams”; it should have read “than”, not “then”.
   
9. Search for sample essays online… they can spark your creativity when writing your essay.
   

Reasons for choosing a nursing career: think of what motivates you. Family, friends, community in general. Are you attracted to nursing due to a personal experience? A professional attraction? A spiritual calling of some sort?

Your decision to apply for admission there: think of their technology, their reputation, accreditation, goodwill, facilities, etc.

Your education and professional goals: do not be afraid to disclose your long term goals. Do you want to pursue a bachelor’s degree after the associate’s degree? Do you want to pursue a master’s or doctoral degree? What is your long term plan? If all you want is the associate’s degree and become an RN, then what part of nursing are you interested in specializing and why? How does that specialty motivates you?

Diversity: well… you’ve said it all. You are able to service the Iranian community by speaking Farsi. That gives you an important role in the treatment process by translating for physicians and other medical personnel.

Great job so far, good luck to you!