Nursing school application?!

[LeahJess]

Hey! I'm having issues writing my nursing school application essay

Any criticism and/or advice would be appreciated! Tell me what you guys think.

Prompt: Meeting the healthcare needs of the Piedmont region, the state, the nation, and theglobal society is an important outcome for Pfeiffer nursing graduates. Why do youbelieve nurses should be concerned about the health of our community as well asthose in the global society? (500 words max)

Essay: In nursing, global society is our community because of the continuous improvements in medicine, theory, and patient care and the agglomeration of organizations associated with the nursing profession found globally. For this reason, it is important to leave a nursing program and enter the work force with the concept that nurses are meant to provide care and compassion as well as to improve the care in every community. This notion allows for nursing students to leave Pfeiffer University with the knowledge referencing towards Sister Simone's 6 Cs and the ability to affect others and spread care to as many patients as possible. A good example of this is the pledge of Florence Nightingale: "to nurse those who are ill wherever they may be and whenever they are in need."

Inversely, the community could benefit from nurses concerning themselves with the nation and global society. This is capable by professional nurses working towards an end goal of proper and innovative care world-wide, which tiers down to a community. The care and treatment of others, globally, has always been a concern of mine, which is a characteristic of the compassion that I share with potential and current nurses. This mutual compassion is the driving force behind the advancements found in healthcare and the compassionate treatment that nurses are found to have. Global society issues, as a whole, need cooperation from every relevant health professional with responsibility, accountability, preparedness, and care that effects health and treatment issues world-wide. There will always be new and future global health concerns that are to be seen from a nursing or medical background. Therefore, it is important for nurses to inform and lead as activists as well as innovate to solve the issue found globally and community-wide.

Concerning community, it is crucial for nursing responsibilities to extend past basic care to the ill, support and implicate new ideas, structure community, provide health education, and influence social movements pertinent to healthcare. It is very common for nurses to practice with and for bureaus and members of their community. This structure and partnership formed between nurse and resident, of their community, is the purpose of their drive to better their practice. This reason is, also, how nurses indirectly affect global society. The relationship between community and global society, pertaining to nursing, is a form of chain reaction with a cumulative effect. When nurses aim to better their community, it directly affects the care within global society.

In conclusion, I believe nurses should be concerned about the health of our community as well as those in the global society because the two populations are related and affected by the movements and innovations in either or. Also, the structuring theories and philosophies that nursing is based on are proponents and supporting statements for the compassion and care needed to be a nurse. That same care is the characteristics that make nurses concerned with both the community health and the health of global societies.

[idkmybffjill]

Honestly, the wording and organization is very confusing to me, to the point that I was having a hard time truly grasping your points. There's some awkward wording that makes the sentences confusing or draws out the sentence more than necessary. You want to simplify your sentences, and if something isn't adding to your meaning, take it out.

From what I understood, it feels like you are just making two similar point over and over again--that being concerned about global society equals being concerned about the community and that being concerned about these two parts matters because it pushes innovation and improves care/compassion.

I'd suggest first you organize your paragraphs with each having one distinct point, with that main point being explicitly stated in the first sentence. Then give more examples, details, and explanations. Explain how nurses affect medical innovation with their concern about global society and their community. Maybe give an example. Make a better connection on your point that community = global society. How will being concerned about the spike in opioid-related overdoses, for example, help the nation and then global society? Obviously use whatever example you want. Same general idea with being concerned about community/global health causing more compassionate care.

Also, is "Sister Simone's 6 Cs" something that you know the program you are applying to knows about? Otherwise, you might need to explain it.

[LeahJess]

Thank you so much for the advice! I will re-structure my paper and hopefully make it more clear. As for the 6 C's, it is what my particular university's "slogan" is.