You might be a nurse if.....

  1. You might be a nurse if.....

    You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and
    last thing they do before they leave it, is take a take a really big crap.

    You know what a 3-H enema is...High, Hot and Hell of a lot.

    You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

    Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up. The young
    lady on stage does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot
    and a half from your nose. You are not aroused, but you DO think, "I could
    catherize that". (True story)

    You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the
    on your shoes.

    You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!

    You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In
    The Ass) precautions!

    You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body
    fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.

    Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to
    HOLLER if they need help

    Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"

    Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you
    suctioned it from a patient earlier

    You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

    You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or

    You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the
    various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

    Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

    You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily
    calorie intake requirements.

    When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the

    You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a
    co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.

    You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your
    going to feel a little stick."

    You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.

    You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

    You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings
    say, "I'm afraid of shots."

    You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth
    to cough.

    You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you
    reply "Yes", and walk away.

    A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a
    catheter, but you get it on the first try.

    You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.

    You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

    You hate working the night of a full moon

    You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

    Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

    You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

    You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage

    You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

    You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

    You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group

    You believe the lab should have a 'dumb ****' profile on the lab requisition

    You have handled several 'lost condom' cases

    You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

    You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

    You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will
    your next project.

    You find humor in other people's stupidity

    You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm

    Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

    You believe chocolate is a food group

    You believe a good tape job will fix anything

    Brian Short
    WORLDWIDE NURSE: The Internet's Nursing Directory

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    About Brian, ADN

    Joined: Mar '98; Posts: 15,431; Likes: 16,404 founder; from US
    Specialty: 18+ year(s) of experience in CCU, Geriatrics, Critical Care, Tele