Toooooo Good ! Andy Rooney on....

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

>Subject: Andy Rooney Says....

>

>1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

>Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".

>

>2. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

>Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year

>to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a

>few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on

>the windows.I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.

>I

>think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and

>generate

>electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair

>that's hooked up to the generator.

>

>3. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

>My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that

>stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying

>under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how

>our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to

>get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

>

>4. Andy Rooney on morning differences.

>Men and women are different in the morning. We men

>wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we

>want you.And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in

>the morning?" It's because we can't see you.We have no blood anywhere near

>our optic nerve.

>

>5. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.

>You know those shows where people call in and vote on

>different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I

>don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and They're voting "I

>don't know."Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"

>(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you

>believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls

>for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

>

>6. Andy Rooney on cripes.

>My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They

>use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes?

>The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.

>You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

>

>7. Andy Rooney on Grandma.

>My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that

>says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother

>that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.Makes you wonder where

>she

>got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

>

>8. Andy Rooney on answering machines.

>Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages

>on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying

>it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the

>love." BEEP "

>Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being

>positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."

>

>9. Andy Rooney on Monica.

>Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It

>seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on

>her hands and knees.

:rotfl:

[NICU_Nurse, BSN, RN]

Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

ROFL!

[Good_Queen_Bess]

LMAO!!!!!!

[tattooednursie, LVN]

LMAO!!!!!!!