Hospital Cost Cutting Gone Awry

[rreed]

Hospital Cost Cutting Gone Awry

(The following "memo" was recently released

at our local Hospital)

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff

FROM: Administration/Grounds Keeper

SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1, this hospital will no longer

provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued

a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition.

An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy.

In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses

will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A

bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the

parking lots. Due to the similarity of monitoring equipment,

the ICU will now take over all security & surveillance

duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching

cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous

secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed

will need to let their families know to bring something, or may

make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., at each meal

time. Coin operated telephones will be available in all patient

rooms for this purpose, as well as for other calls the patient

may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops

will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus

providing needed range-of-motion exercise, as well as a clean

environment. Also, ambulatory patients may sign up to clean

the rooms of all of the non-ambulatory patients to receive

special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the "FROM" line above, Administration is

assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot

be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you

walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed

whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the

TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These

books can be checked out from Administration. A toolbox

will now be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will

be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other

month. We already have the volume on

Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try

to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomplished by

performing all blood-related lab tests on patients who are already

bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no

more than two (2) X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the

turnaround time required by the local Drug Store's photo lab.

Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians

are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday papers if

they want extra sets. We have been informed the Drug Store

has agreed to honor competitors' coupons for one-hour

processing in the emergency situations. If you come across any

coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, as well as

winter's often chilly nites, the electric company has been asked

to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so

that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately

billed. Fans and/or portable electric heaters will be available for sale

or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of

unwanted fruit, candy and flowers will soon be provided on each floor.

Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to

contribute. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the

pharmacy for the production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will then

be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will,

coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on all our HMOs'

formulary.

We appreciate your co-operation in this matter. Be advised,

further measures may prove necessary if these minimum

cost-cutting efforts fail to reduce our operating costs sufficiently.

Please refer all questions to the Director of Human Resources. You

may locate the Director on parking lot A-D, where she is currently

installing the new parking meters

[RNonsense]

That is great!!!! I printed it out and am taking it to work...

[emily_mom]

LMAO!!! Love it!