HMO memo to all Hospital Staff

[Brian, ASN, RN]

MEMO

To: All Hospital Staff

From: Administration/Groundskeeping

Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each

charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of

ammunition.

An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine

nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital

grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking

areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over

the

security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for

watching

cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to

let

their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway

or

Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient

rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to

make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to

those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises

as

well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign

up

to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their

final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming

the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling

his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the

sound

of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.

Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the

Time-Life

"How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from

administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing

units.

We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month.

We

already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem

occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume

arrives.

Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only

performing blood-related tests on patients who are already

bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than

two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by

Photomat.

Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being

advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.

Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour

processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons

please clip out and send these to ER.

In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked

to

install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that

electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will

be

available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for

collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor.

Families, patients, and the few remaining

employees are asked to contribute discarded produce.

Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be

available

for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our

HMO's formulary.